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zim_was_here

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Write an ocean master commentary thread. Reply to this Post
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Since there is a post for the Draw an oceanmaster thread, I might as well create a commentary thread for the Write an Ocean master to keep the clutter out of that thread, If you have any critiques, comments, praise (hopefully) you can post it here.

Please no Degrading someone's work, if you are going to post some critisism Make it constructive critisism. Also If you like you can post rought drafts, and questions about material.
----------------------------------------
 
Quintillaz has been assigned the title of Builder in Dagger Revolution.
Juliah says, "because you "erect" things.... *giggles*"

wee howdypedia

Quintillaz
[May 25, 2005 5:50:36 AM] Show Printable Version of Post        Send Private Message    http://www.geocities.com/zim_was_here    zim_was_here    zimwashere2 [Link]  Go to top 
zim_was_here

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[color=RED:ee2334e680] DUE TO THE EXTRODINARY AMOUNT OF ENTRIES ON THIS PAGE CONSISTING OF AUTHOR AND CONTEST ENTRY TITLE WILL NOT BE ENTERED TILL THE LAST DAY OF THE CONTEST AND PERAPS NOT AT ALL, I WILL TRY BUT I AM ONLY HUMAN

Thank you


Ok here are the current Contestetans I will be updating this post for every new story, but before I start has any one noticed that eight out of the 10 people posting have posted less then 20 responses, and 3 of them is there first post, I am concerned that maybe someone is cheating by posting more then one story and if they win they will take trade there monkey back to their main account. This may be just me being paranoid who knows. Here are the current entries

Fastpitchbob (untitled)
Agham with the entry, The search for nine
Laurabenard (untitled)
Helpermonkey and his story, Helpermonkey's story about nine greenies
Zim_was_here with, The great story of Eris
Rumrat with, The Legend of the golden nine
Lucky2beme (untitled)
Wishing_octo The ultimate Nine
Sjc196(untitled)
Gangsta1 The Legend of the Ocean Masters
Willman2(untitled)

People holding spaces

Deathsrider or herkyjerky
And Jellysnail

These are the entries if I messed somthing up in your name or what not I will fix it later today, I am kind of in a hurry. Thank you and may the best writer win.
----------------------------------------
 
Quintillaz has been assigned the title of Builder in Dagger Revolution.
Juliah says, "because you "erect" things.... *giggles*"

wee howdypedia

Quintillaz
----------------------------------------
[Edit 4 times, last edit by zim_was_here at May 26, 2005 6:36:25 AM]
[May 26, 2005 6:36:25 AM] Show Printable Version of Post        Send Private Message    http://www.geocities.com/zim_was_here    zim_was_here    zimwashere2 [Link]  Go to top 
Feegle

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zim_was_here wrote: 
I am concerned that maybe someone is cheating by posting more then one story and if they win they will take trade there monkey back to their main account. This may be just me being paranoid who knows.


Cheating? Bia said that authors were allows to submit multiple entries to the contest. There is nothing wrong with someone submitting more than one attempt.
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- Feegs

Senior Officer of the Ransack Marauders, Midnight Ocean
Disciple of Artemis
[May 26, 2005 7:20:00 AM] Show Printable Version of Post        Send Private Message    http://feegle.mathninja.com    jeffmahood    FeeglePoet [Link]  Go to top 
Fiddler

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zim_was_here wrote: 
but before I start has any one noticed that eight out of the 10 people posting have posted less then 20 responses, and 3 of them is there first post,


There's also nothing wrong with the author striving for some anonymity. Passions run hot here in the forums, and some people's names will dredge up hard feelings long before their stories are read.
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Orsino, Viridian ocean
Forum-mute: your best friend
Whitewyvern wrote: 
The only high end goals are those you set for yourself. What happens to anyone else is irrelevant.

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DaneT

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DaneT
Who wouldn't bother to be anonymous because of his highly inoffencive attitude.
And his smiley ;P
----------------------------------------
It has been said, my friends, that I like war. My friends, I like War. No...I LOVE WAR!

Danet - An old salt of Y!PP, but not the oldest by a long shot.
[May 26, 2005 9:47:21 AM] Show Printable Version of Post        Send Private Message [Link]  Go to top 
sjc196



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zim_was_here wrote: 
has any one noticed that eight out of the 10 people posting have posted less then 20 responses, and 3 of them is there first post,


I don't have two accounts, my competition entry really was my first post ever on these forums! I only signed up for Puzzle Pirates a very short time ago, and I was lurking around the forums trying to get a feel for things when I discovered this writing competition.
[Aug 9, 2005 4:00:00 PM] Show Printable Version of Post        Send Private Message [Link]  Go to top 
Matthias

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I wasn't going to enter this, but I had a great idea in the shower.
----------------------------------------
I took my own advice.
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sjc196



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Matthias wrote: 
I wasn't going to enter this, but I had a great idea in the shower.


"Cleaver was taking a shower, when all of a sudden..."
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gangsta1



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anyone reckon they could look at my story and rate it 1-10 or complain about it anything really
[May 27, 2005 8:28:05 PM] Show Printable Version of Post        Send Private Message [Link]  Go to top 
jasandrea

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gangsta1 wrote: 
anyone reckon they could look at my story and rate it 1-10 or complain about it anything really


I'm glad you've entered the contest, and even more glad that you've asked for feedback. An important part of learning to write well is simply throwing your writing out there and seeing how people react to it. It takes a certain amount of mental strength to do it, though, so you should definitely take pride in your willingness.

My first comment would be:

There: In that manner or place
Their: Belonging to them

Please learn the difference.

This was a contest entry, not a throwaway forum post, or I wouldn't nitpick details, but you clearly needed to spend more time proofreading your post before you put it up. Capital letters and commas were sorely lacking. Spelling mistakes - simple ones that would have been found by the spellchecker of any half decent word processor - were found in a few places. Grammar is a challenge, and I understand that you're young, but to place an entry in a contest without even spell checking it first is inexcusable sloppiness. It's hard to focus on the plot when the mechanics are so weakly handled.

Overall, I liked the idea of the plot - that Cleaver sent the OceanMasters on individual quests to find the new OMs, but in the end they found them all at once - but the execution was a little dry. You were way under the word limit, so I think you could have done with quite a bit more action and excitement and really wild things. You had an epic battle lasting hours between the OMs and the upstarts who dared to challenge them. There could have been cannons blasting, blades flashing, buckles swashing! Instead, there was one very run on sentence that said what happened rather than showing what happened.

I thought the ending, listing each of the new OMs with their special focus or characteristic was a nice touch, weakened only slightly by the inclusion of 'I don't know what that means but...' and slightly more by the fact that it was all one sentence. What I did like about it, though, was that you found slightly different words and structure for each OM description without creating a sense that you had just turned to a thesaurus and come up with every variation you could. It can sometimes be difficult to be unrepetitive, without appearing to be trying too hard, and you pulled it off nicely.
----------------------------------------
Jacquilynne
Elder Cod of The Yo-Ho Yo-Yos, Looterati
Ruby Arch: Where the brigands are Ultimate and the players used to be.
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helpermonkey



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1). i'me no clone just new to the forums :P
2). How many people will enter this contest? more then 50 less then 100?

3).Goodluck everyone :P
4).Does anyone on viridian have a familier?
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Helpermonkey Proud Captain of Viridian Angels, and Prince of the flag Infierno de los Diablos

RIP Angeloflove, Ex-Captain of Viridian Angels
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Rmarsbar

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jellyforyou wrote: 
Ahoy lads and lasses saving spot for jellysnail :D


deathsrider wrote: 
A story of Nine, by Herkyjerky of the Viridian Ocean.

This slot saved for Hj's story :P Sorry mates i had it posted but dont want my style copied.


Saving spaces merits nothing folks.
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Rmarzbarr, a Superlemon!
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Feegle

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helpermonkey wrote: 
2). How many people will enter this contest? more then 50 less then 100?

Sounds about right. It'll be a big contest, and as such, it'll take the judges quite a while to reach a decision.

helpermonkey wrote: 
4).Does anyone on viridian have a familier?

Not yet. So far, Midnight is the only ocean where familiars have been won, and if I'm correct, this is the first contest to offer prizes on any of the oceans.
----------------------------------------
- Feegs

Senior Officer of the Ransack Marauders, Midnight Ocean
Disciple of Artemis
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zim_was_here

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Rmarsbar wrote: 
jellyforyou wrote: 
Ahoy lads and lasses saving spot for jellysnail :D


deathsrider wrote: 
A story of Nine, by Herkyjerky of the Viridian Ocean.

This slot saved for Hj's story :P Sorry mates i had it posted but dont want my style copied.


Saving spaces merits nothing folks.


I agree personally I find this untactful.
----------------------------------------
 
Quintillaz has been assigned the title of Builder in Dagger Revolution.
Juliah says, "because you "erect" things.... *giggles*"

wee howdypedia

Quintillaz
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helpermonkey



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Hope someone on one of the other oceans wins it then so its the first on an ocean not just another addition to an ocean with some on already. Hehe and if it is won by someone on viridian i offfer 5k doubs for it :)
----------------------------------------
Helpermonkey Proud Captain of Viridian Angels, and Prince of the flag Infierno de los Diablos

RIP Angeloflove, Ex-Captain of Viridian Angels
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helpermonkey



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Deleted - Ghost of prior post.
----------------------------------------
Helpermonkey Proud Captain of Viridian Angels, and Prince of the flag Infierno de los Diablos

RIP Angeloflove, Ex-Captain of Viridian Angels
----------------------------------------
[Edit 1 times, last edit by helpermonkey at May 28, 2005 2:27:18 AM]
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gangsta1



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thanks for your feed back unfourtanetly the program i use has no spell check of any kind but ive done my best to change mistakes could you please check if its better at all
Ive work on making the first story better but also could you provide feed back on second entry which i hope is a bit better, also since i have problems counting would you be able to tell me how many words there are in both stories now
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Karsh

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To interrupt the conversation, could anyone be so kind as to comment on my entry? I read over it a few times, it seems good to me.
----------------------------------------
Karsh -Hunter-
Captain of the crew The Salty Mouthfuls
King of the flag Pirates of the Blackmast
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sjc196



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Karsh wrote: 
To interrupt the conversation, could anyone be so kind as to comment on my entry? I read over it a few times, it seems good to me.


Although I have written an entry myself and it might seem a bit strange to comment on a "rival", I'll give you some feedback. I'm afraid I won't comment too much on the story itself, though, as plot and characterisation are up to you.

OK, first off, I really like the premise. Whereas most people so far (myself included) have written in a semi-mythical style, you have approached it more as a real-life thriller. My only real criticism of the story is that of the new Oceanmasters it is all Amphitrite, and the other eight are only mentioned in passing at the end - it seems a little too contrived. If they were incorporated sooner it would be more convincing. Apart from that, though, I like the pacing, and your writing really conveys a sense of urgency, although it could benefit from some tightening up in places. Read it through and take out everything that is unnecessary.

Be harsh with yourself - read it as a reader would, and be honest with yourself. Anything you read that you think is bad a reader will think is bad.

OK, now some general linguistic critique that may help to tighten it up:

1.
Karsh's Story wrote: 
Poseidon, in a hurried voice, reckoned

Karsh's Story wrote: 
Amphitrite slyly spoke

Karsh's Story wrote: 
Poseidon screamed out


Don't be afraid to stick with "said" and "asked"; they are unobtrusive and won't interrupt the flow of the paragraph. Then let the words that are heard allude to their mood (how poetic!).

2.
Karsh's Story wrote: 
The moment he hopped onto the Dragon?s Nest dock, nobody noticed him


This sounds strange. Generally the phrase "The moment he..." is followed by something that does happen, not something that doesn't.

3.
Karsh's Story wrote: 
At Dragon?s Nest Dock, he was greeted by Peghead?s pirate, who for once was sporting a blue, Oceanmaster?s name.


Check your punctuation throughout. Commas are generally used to denote a short pause in the rhythm (they are also used parenthetically, but it amounts to the same thing). If you are unsure about it, say it out loud with pauses where the commas are:

"At Dragon's Nest Dock.....he was greeted by Peghead's pirate......who for once was sporting a blue......Oceanmaster's name."

This is clearly in need of some pruning. I would keep only the comma after "pirate".

4.
Karsh's Story wrote: 
Urgently responding to Peghead?s orders, Poseidon logged onto Viridian.


It is always best to place the emphatic words at the end of the sentence. Here I would say that Poseidon logging onto Viridian isn't very emphatic, whereas his urgent response is. I would perhaps reword this as something like: "Poseidon logged on to Viridan, responding to Peghead's orders with some urgency."

5.
Finally, please don't take this criticism to heart (I know many writers that do); it is intended to help rather than insult you. Remain positive. If someone points out five errors in your writing, by fixing them your writing just got better in five places.

If you're serious about writing in general, I would strongly recommend getting hold of a copy of The Elements Of Style by Strunk & White. It's not particularly expensive - I think about GBP4.99, USD7.95 - and it is the bible for writers. I can think of few people who would not benefit from reading it.
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Gloraelin

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Also of note is The Everyday Writer, by Andrea Lunsford. It's a really good book, and can be used in almost any situation.
----------------------------------------
Jen wrote: 
yes glor.. your boobs are vuluptously awesome.
 
Ye have received a trade request from Thunderbird.
Those two offers are identical, what's the point?

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Karsh

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sjc196 wrote: 
OK, first off, I really like the premise. Whereas most people so far (myself included) have written in a semi-mythical style, you have approached it more as a real-life thriller. My only real criticism of the story is that of the new Oceanmasters it is all Amphitrite, and the other eight are only mentioned in passing at the end - it seems a little too contrived.

Yeah, I noticed that too. I haven't figured out a good way to fix it, yet, but I'll get something figured out by the 20th deadline.
sjc196 wrote: 
Don't be afraid to stick with "said" and "asked"; they are unobtrusive and won't interrupt the flow of the paragraph. Then let the words that are heard allude to their mood (how poetic!).

Good idea, thanks. I knew it sounded too dramatic with almost no uses of the words said or asked, I just needed someone to help me get over it.
sjc196 wrote: 
Karsh's Story wrote: 
The moment he hopped onto the Dragon?s Nest dock, nobody noticed him


This sounds strange. Generally the phrase "The moment he..." is followed by something that does happen, not something that doesn't.

I didn't spot that either, thanks.
sjc196 wrote: 
Karsh's Story wrote: 
At Dragon?s Nest Dock, he was greeted by Peghead?s pirate, who for once was sporting a blue, Oceanmaster?s name.


Check your punctuation throughout. Commas are generally used to denote a short pause in the rhythm (they are also used parenthetically, but it amounts to the same thing).

(see above for proper thanks)
sjc196 wrote: 
Karsh's Story wrote: 
Urgently responding to Peghead?s orders, Poseidon logged onto Viridian.


It is always best to place the emphatic words at the end of the sentence. Here I would say that Poseidon logging onto Viridian isn't very emphatic, whereas his urgent response is. I would perhaps reword this as something like: "Poseidon logged on to Viridan, responding to Peghead's orders with some urgency."

And again, thanks. I haven't had anyone besides my brother skim over the story, and he's worse at writing than I am.
sjc196 wrote: 
Finally, please don't take this criticism to heart (I know many writers that do); it is intended to help rather than insult you. Remain positive. If someone points out five errors in your writing, by fixing them your writing just got better in five places.

Oh, don't worry. I write articles for a website I help run, I'm just not much of a short story person myself. I can write informal things just fine, but to be honest this is one of my first actual stories I've written since I was in around fourth grade. :P
sjc196 wrote: 
If you're serious about writing in general, I would strongly recommend getting hold of a copy of The Elements Of Style by Strunk & White. It's not particularly expensive - I think about GBP4.99, USD7.95 - and it is the bible for writers. I can think of few people who would not benefit from reading it.

I should really grab that, people always tell me that my style can get a bit sloppy at times.

And again, thanks for reading through and pointing out some pretty obvious errors. I'll fix it up in a couple of hours, just look out for it if you want to reread it.
----------------------------------------
Karsh -Hunter-
Captain of the crew The Salty Mouthfuls
King of the flag Pirates of the Blackmast
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gangsta1



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I know this sounds rude but i have trouble with numbers so if someone has some time to kill could they count the words in my second and third story The Nine and Story Of The Nine
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[Edit 1 times, last edit by gangsta1 at May 30, 2005 10:23:31 PM]
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jasandrea

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gangsta1 wrote: 
I know this sounds rude but i have trouble with numbers so if someone has some time to kill could they count the words in my second and third story Then Nine and Story Of The Nine


Online Word Counters.
----------------------------------------
Jacquilynne
Elder Cod of The Yo-Ho Yo-Yos, Looterati
Ruby Arch: Where the brigands are Ultimate and the players used to be.
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gangsta1



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thanks
[May 30, 2005 10:42:06 PM] Show Printable Version of Post        Send Private Message [Link]  Go to top 
Feegle

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I know I said I wouldn't comment on the entries until later. But I can't help myself.

Xephin - that was brilliant. Reminded me a little of Tom Holt. And also a little of that Lord of the Flies Simpsons episode, right at the end. "And eventually they were rescued, by... oh, let's say... Moe."

Nice. Really nice.
----------------------------------------
- Feegs

Senior Officer of the Ransack Marauders, Midnight Ocean
Disciple of Artemis
[Jun 7, 2005 11:44:25 PM] Show Printable Version of Post        Send Private Message    http://feegle.mathninja.com    jeffmahood    FeeglePoet [Link]  Go to top 
Indeed

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xephin, i will write a song in your honor [size=7]and if everyone is really lucky, no one will ever hear it.

you made me giggle and stuff.
----------------------------------------
Dmentia says, "It thrills me when Indeed is mean."
SomeIdiot tells you, "I am muting you, because you're unnormal, maybe you're hurt in real life"
Quoth Rubby, "There's something wrong with your brain."

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Whiplash

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I vote for Xephin
----------------------------------------
 
Dmentia bows to the wisdom of Whiplash.

[Jun 8, 2005 2:21:22 PM] Show Printable Version of Post        Send Private Message    http://www.puzzlepirates.com [Link]  Go to top 
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/e blushes

Awww. Thanks guys. When it comes to art I try to wander as far away as I can without getting lost.
For these contests as of late, people tend to get too caught up in trying to win instead of doing what they should. Try getting caught up in just having fun. You get much more out of it.
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Oh... I may as well mention now...
I was going to have a flurry of poorly photoshopped photos to go along with the story that would have been linked inside certain words...
But then I felt it would become too shore leaveish and it would break the flow of the reading if you had to keep clicking words to see the pictures...


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helpermonkey



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xephin wrote: 
/e blushes

Awww. Thanks guys. When it comes to art I try to wander as far away as I can without getting lost.
For these contests as of late, people tend to get too caught up in trying to win instead of doing what they should. Try getting caught up in just having fun. You get much more out of it.


I agree just if they didnt put a prize you would only get like 3-4 stories as not many people would bother as they only viewd the thread because of the word familier...

i enterd for fun and vote that this is done every month for no prize ^_^
----------------------------------------
Helpermonkey Proud Captain of Viridian Angels, and Prince of the flag Infierno de los Diablos

RIP Angeloflove, Ex-Captain of Viridian Angels
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