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Joined: Sep 19, 2003
Icicles hung off Michelob's nose as he struggled through the biting wind and pelting hail. This was not how he envisioned spending his Christmas Eve.
"Hail guvna, Xi, ho! Might we take a bit o' a break to warm up before shippin this last load of wood?" Michelob pleaded, "afta all, it is Christmas Eve. We could sip some egg nog and kick back by th' fire. After all we already have a grand frigs full o' wood."
"Bah Humbug!" snorted Andyp, "you're lucky you get tomorrow off, you lazy lout, and you won't get that if this we don't get back to Chap' to pick up that last bid of wood. It's bidding at 10 PoE, you can't beat that."
"Aye guvna, yer right, God bless ye!" Michelob, realizing his error, happily returned to work, despite the fact that one of his eyes had begun to freeze shut. He was grateful to have a job, as many on the island weren't so fortunate. Although hauling wood back and forth all day on a sloop, with nothing to drink but swill, seemed rather tedious, but it saved PoE and that's why Andyp was the richest pirate on the ocean. So he loaded the wood, manned the sails, pumped the bilge and naved the brigand-rich seas as Andy watched from the crow's nest. He didn't become a millionaire by hiring NPPs!
When the work was finally done and the two were safe in port, Michelob shook his boss's hand, "Arr, it nearly be Christmas I wager, guvna, I thank ye for my livin'. I'd be honored t' have ye at my Christmas dinner t'morrow."
"Bah humbug, I'll be busy shipping more wood solo since that good-for-nothing Cleaver mandates that we give our employees Christmas off." Andyp stood shaking his fist in greed-rage for quite some time. Eventually, Michelob crept off and Andyp was still shaking his fist in the air. Michelob figure that was a hint that he wouldn't have a guest tomorrow.
Andyp's muscles finally began to tense up and he finally quit shaking it in rage. He wondered where Michelob had run off to. "Lazy lout," he muttered.
It was late, so Andyp got ready for bed. He had a long day of wood-hauling tomorrow, even if Christmas caused the rest of Midnight to laze about. He entertained the thought of rationing himself an extra pint of rum, but then remembered that was definitely not in the budget. He climbed into the small bed he had atop his piles and piles of money that was the only piece of furniture in his modest home. He didn't see the point of spending PoE on things like banks, or couches or large lavish homes. He knew he didn't become the richest pirate on Xi by spending PoE recklessly. He began to mentally organize his finances as he slowly drifted off to sleep.
"Wake up, Andyp. Wake up" a voice cried. Well, it didn't really cry. It sort of mentioned it matter-of-fact. It's a good thing Andy was a light sleeper.
"Tedv? What are you doing here...you...you're dead?" Andyp shuddered, "and you're all in chains, that's horrible!"
"That is correct. You will be in chains to if you do not decide to change your ways. You will be visited by exactly three ghosts over the course of the night. The ghosts will be the ghosts of the past, the ghost of the present and the ghost of future. The definition of the night being from the time you go to sleep until the time which you wake up. It would be in your best interest to listen to these ghosts." Tedv then checked his watch and disappeared.
"What a lousy dream! Bah humbug!" muttered Andyp, "that'll teach me to eat more than one saltine cracker before bed," and with that, Andyp went back to sleep
Yet he did not sleep long. Soon he was awoken again. Before him stood a young woman, clothed in black, red and white. He rubbed his eyes a few times. All of a sudden, another figure materialized in front of of him. He was clad in brown and white and he had a sweatband on his forehead that said "Team Awesome."
"Hey dude, wake up," said the guy in brown, "I am Hogus. This here is Farceuse. We are TEAM AWESOME and the ghosts of Christmas Past. We're here to show you your past and do it in an AWESOME way!" Hogus leaped upon Andyp's bed and started to play an air-guitar. After playing a wicked lick, he pointed at Farce to inform her that it was her turn to jam.
Farceuse simply blinked at Hogus. His antics bored her. She waved her hand and all of a sudden Andyp's room was gone. Andyp screamed in fright. He began to plummet towards the ocean below. Farceuse grabbed him by the scruff of his neck, "We will not let you fall. You have been brought here to watch."
"RADICAL!!" shouted Hogus as he began to play another air-guitar lick. He was quickly interrupted from a slap to the back of his head from Farceuse. Andyp simply groaned.
"This is serious business. Hark, look below Andyp, what do you see?"
"I see a ship. A very strange ship. It is a sloop, but it has a bilge pump on the top deck Why, that is the pollywog!" said Andyp, "and who's that handsome pirate aboard? It is me! Where is my fine swashbucklers's jacket, though? Why am I wearing rags? I don't even have a bandanna."
"It's, like, the past Andy-dude," Hogus began to move his hands into position for another air-guitar riff, but Farceuse simply gave him The Look.
"Yes, it is the past. That is indeed you. Before you became a rich prince. These are from the days when you were just a simple Cabin Person," said Farceuse.
"I don't get it though. I am poor yet I seem to so happy. How can I be happy without PoE?" said Andyp.
"Bogus dude, you're totally, like, not getting it," said Hogus. He waved his hand and suddenly the scene changed."
Farceuse patted him on the head. "Good job, Hogie," Farceuse then pointed, "what do you see there, Andyp?"
Andy observed his younger self wandering around the Inn alone. "It is me . . . but I am not so happy anymore. Where is my crew? Oh, that's right, they are all offline. It is 3am in America, and I am an Englishman who is all alone. I'm not so happy now." All of a sudden, a beautiful pirate burst into the inn.
"It's Greasy!" Andyp cried, "she was so nice to me in the old days. I remember, she asked me to go sail with her crew. It was filled with other mates who played around my time, I was so excited about the opportunity!"
The three ghosts watched the young Andyp and Greasy talk. Then they watched them happily sail together and have happy adventures on the sea. At the end of the trip, Greasy graciously invited Andyp to join her crew. Andy refused, though.
Older-Andyp cried out, "No Andy, don't refuse. Go with them! You can have so much fun!"
"Why didn't you join them, Andy?" questioned Farcuse.
"I had already agreed to go on a foraging expedition the next day. I stood to make a lot of money! I didn't have time for things like friendship!"
"Bogus," muttered Hogus. All of a sudden, they were gone. Andyp was alone again in his house. But not for long.
A dazzling light filled the humble home. In the center of the light stood a radiant figure. Despite her radience, she was clad in all black; in one hand she had a sparkling white scimitar in her hand."
"Oh spirit, have mercy on me!" cried Andyp, "do not kill me."
"Spaz. I'm not here to kill you. I am Misery, the ghost of Christmas Present. I'm here to show you some things you need to see," Misery drove her sword through Andyp's window, shattering it and spraying glass all around."
"Insane! You're insane! Have mercy on me spirit!"
"Uh whatever dude." Misery grabbed Andy by the scruff of his neck and dragged him out of the window. They flew up into the air and Andy held onto her for dear life. "Hey dude, watch the grabby hands."
Misery flew them past his shack, and over a forest of fine trees to the other side of Xi island. They landed next to a small shack.
"They cannot hear you, but I ask you, dude, what do you hear?"
"Singing. Merry singing! But why would such merry singing come from such a crappy place?"
Misery grabbed him by his bald head and rammed his head into the wall. She then pressed his head against the shack's window, "Tell me what you see, Andyp!"
"Yeesh no need to get violent! Maybe it's time to switch to decaf?"
Misery smashed his head into the wall again.
"Ok, ok, spirit! Enough! I'll tell you what I see. Let's see, why, it's Michelob! All those people must be his family! Look at Freckles! She's marvelous. Oh and there's little Spansh, Andyp and Nutmeg! Oh and the boy, why is he on crutches?'
"His name is Rome-he suffers from a severe case of clumsiness. Michelob can't afford to take him to a physical therapist to work on his motor skills. Therefore he's sentenced to a life, that will likely be short and nearly certainly accident prone."
"Yet he sings the loudest, and seems the happiness. What's wrong with them? Don't they know they're poor?" He watched as Michelob gathered them around the table. There were a few condiments, and packs of sugar, but there was no main course.
Michelob and his family bowed their heads and prayed, "We thank ye lord for our fine meal, and we also would like to thank Andyp for the humble wages which have provided us with this feast!" The family said "amen" in unison and tore open the ketchup and mustard packets and squeezed them into their mouths. Andyp looked on in horror.
"That's just gross dude" said Misery, "I'm out of here, it's time for your next ghost."
With a flash, she was gone. Yet another figure stood in her place. He too was clad in black There was no radiance or light about him. Indeed, all the air around him seemed dark. His face was gruesome and Andyp could not bare the sight of it.
"I fear you are the ghost of Christmas future, sir?"
The black figure said nothing. He simply grabbed Andyp by the neck. In a flash of fire and brimstone they were gone from the shack. Once again, Andyp saw Michelob and his family. But they weren't so happy anymore.
"What is wrong with them spirit?" said Andyp. The spirit simply pointed. What Andyp saw horrified him. A small mound of rocks with a gravestone next to it that simply said Rome. "Spirit, why did they they not burry him?"
The spirit said nothing, but Michelob did, "aye, a true shame we could not afford a shovel, let alone a proper funeral for Tiny Rome. A shame indeed. Although better than some others.
The ghost of the future pointed at something else. This sight was more disturbing than the first. It was a dismembered body strewn about the cemetery.
Michelob mournfully stated, "poor Andyp. It be a true shame he had no friends o' family to claim his body. It be an even bigger shame that our custom of disposing unwanted bodies by chopping em up into pieces and throwin' 'em to the wolves ain't seem to be working. His black-heart made his flesh bitter and unappetizin' even to th' wolves."
"NOOOOO!" cried Andyp!
And all of a sudden, the scene was gone. He was back in his humble bed.
"Those ingrates!" he cried, "after everything I've done for this island, that's how they treat me after I die? That's it, no Christmas for them!"
Andyp dialed up his associate Buri and Whitefire. Together they gathered up all the presents under all the trees in Xi, and indeed the trees themselves. They piled them all into a big sleigh. Andyp sat atop the mountain of gifts as Buri and Whitefire pulled with all their might.
Oh you're a mean one,
You realllllllllllllllllly are a heel!
You're as heartless as the Donald,
Less cuddly than Aizril,
Andy tossed a stuffed bear at Janthina as she happily sung her song, "None of that now! Now onward, boys"
Often Whitefire and Buri turned around to complain, but then Andyp reminded him how much he was paying them. Then he whipped them. After much labor, the gifts were finally aboard a war brig. Andy charted a course towards Hephaestus' Forge.
"Let's see how they like their Christmas when it's at the bottom of a lava pit!" cackled Andyp
And so it seemed this Christmas would end. The gifts were quickly being taken to the highest peak of Xi. The poor citizens of Xi awoke and found all their gifts taken, their trees gone and their hams sneezed on, and they began to mourn.
Then a small lad wandered into the town square of Xi. It was little Shuranthae! He still remembered what Christmas was about! He began to sing:"
"Hark, the herald OMs sing!"
Tiny Rome came over and joined Shuranthae in song.
"Glory to our new-found king!"
Slowly, one by one, all the citizens of Xi game to the town square and joined the song; together they sung louder and louder, so loud they could be heard throughout the island. Indeed, so loud Andyp could hear them as they sailed towards Hephaestus' Forge. He started to remember his happy times on the pollywog, and Tiny Rome singing gleefully in his tiny shack. His frozen heart suddenly thawed.
"Turn the ship around! On Buri, on Whitefire, we must save Christmas! I will help!"
"Will we still get paid?" asked Whitefire.
"Of course!" Andyp said.
"Well let's do this! Let's save Christmas" shouted Buri
Andy grabbed a sail and together, the three sped over the ocean blazingly fast. So fast that a mighty wave formed under them. The wave carried them over the docks an directly into the town square!
"Look, it's Santa Clause and his reindeers!" cried little Shuranthae. Andy was wearing a brilliant red and black swash and had eaten a powdered donuts a bit too hastily in the morning. Buri and Whitefire didn't tell him about the white powder all over his face because they thought it was more fun to laugh at him behindbacks.
Andy handed the gifts out to the citizens of Xi, and they were joyous (which was a bit silly if you think about it. I mean they bought the gifts, he just handed them out).
"Yer a fine man, Andyp!" cried Michelob!
"And you're a richer man now, Michelob-I'm making you a shop manager! And you're getting a 10% raise!"
And the citizens of Xi cried out in glee. Tiny Rome tossed his crutches to the ground. "The Christmas spirit has cured me of my shattered legs!'
"And with the physical therapy I pay for, Tiny Rome, you will never break them again!"
"Wow! Merry Christmas, Andyp!"
"Aye, Merry Christmas Tiny Rome-merry Christmas to all!"
Pirates of the Damned, Crimson Tide.
I don't care what it did to them, the game's been good to me.
Joined: Aug 7, 2004
rome - you are so wonderfully weird.
Merry Christmas, you internet-super-star, you.
(your story would be tons better if there were more me in it)
Dmentia says, "It thrills me when Indeed is mean."
SomeIdiot tells you, "I am muting you, because you're unnormal, maybe you're hurt in real life"
Quoth Rubby, "There's something wrong with your brain."
Joined: Jul 28, 2003
Although I am a member of Crimson Tide, I was excluded from this story because I celebrate Kwanzaa.
His Holiness, The Dope
Joined: Aug 15, 2003
You forgot to mention when Buri takes all the candy from the children.
"There is all the difference in the world between treating people equally and attempting to make them equal."- Friedrich Hayek
Joined: Apr 1, 2004
Joined: Sep 19, 2003
Ok the director's cut ending (can't figure out why this didn't make the original story):
"Aye, Merry Christmas Tiny Rome-merry Christmas to all!" said Andyp
All of a sudden little Shuranthae began to cry. Buri had snatched a candy cane right out of his hands.
"Muahahaha it's like taking candy from a baby-litteraly!" cackled Buri. All the townfolk of Xi groaned at the horrible joke.
"I'm really raising CANE now!" Buril laughed as he snatched another candy cane from another baby, "Get it? Candy Cane!"
And so it continued for quite some time. The citezens of Xi were so horrified stunned by Buri's horrible lines that they were unable to stop him. It looked like their christmas candy was in danger.
"Arr, Buri was fine a momen' ago Guvna, wat happen'd?" cried Michelob.
Andyp, who was not that far removed from his black heart, was more resistant to Buri's horrible puns, "Hey, he has some bite marks on his neck!"
"THAT IS RIGHT AND YOU ARE NEXT!" yelled a sharply dressed man with strangely pointed canine teeth pirate sprung from Andyp's now-empty sled.
"A Christmas vampire! It is their king Shanoyu! We are doomed!" shouted Tiny Rome.
"Not if I have anything to do about it," Little Shuranthae placed a ring on his finger with a figure of a heart on its face, "with the power of HEART I call you friends, but this time it isn't the environment that needs saving, it's Christmas!"
A wave swept Shanoyu away from Andyp as she shouted, "Water!"
"Fire!" yelled Mars with his fire ring.
"Earth!" Rumbles yelled as he struck the ground a mighty blow!
"Wind!" yelled Potato with the force of a Tornado
"With our powers combined, we summon you, Captain Nemo!"
They all sung:
He's a hero!
Gonna drag lag down to zero!"
Unfortunately while this was going on, Buri and Shanoyu continued to steal candy and turn other citizens of Xi into vampires.
Captain Nemo used the powers of the environment to shun Buri into the pits of the netherworld. Shanoyu was too crafty, though. While Captain Nemo was busy with Buri, he snatched the ring off Rumble's finger. Without the Planeteer's rings, Captain Nemo faded into the night. All appeared to be lost
Suddenly, techno music filled the air. A house exploded and three leather-clad figures strolled out of the flames. Kuibbles and Jacksparrow were armed with skull daggers and Indeed had a high-tech bow. All three had IPODs strapped to their belts.
"It is I, Kuibbles, the Christmas hybrid vampire. I seek to duel with you, Shanoyu!"
Jacksparrow added "Indeed and I will take care of the rest of the vampires! And after that fightin, I'll be available for some lovin, ladies."
The duel between Kuibbles and Shanoyu shook the very ground of Xi. Their swords were thunder and their parries the wind. The battle raged this way and that, until Kuibbles finally seemed to have the upper-hand; Kuibbles had Shanoyu pinned to the ground with his blade above his throat.
Shanoyu simply laughed and turned into some sort of lizard-looking creature. What a lizard has to do with vampires, who knows. But he sure did look cool!
Lizard-Shanoyu lifted him into the and threw Kuibble's against the top of the Xi Palace. Kuibbles fell to the ground, his body broken and battered.
Lizard-Shanoyu laughed, "It appears I am the true Christmas-vampire!"
Lizard-Shanoyu didn't take into account Kuibble's partners, though. Jacksparrow tossed indeed an arrow with a vial on it. Indeed caught the arrow and placed it in her bow. Then, she took the headphone from her IPOD and placed it in her ear and turned up the ITUNES.
"WRONG, WRONG-FACE!" Indeed wittily commented as she let her arrow fly. The arrow pierced Lizard-Shanoyu's heart and he fell to the ground. Indeed smirked and said "You all should know you can't kill vampires without IPODs!"
Smoke and lightning spewed from Shanoyu's body as he screamed in horrible pain.
Then funky pop music began to play on all the hunter's IPODs and Shanoyu was returned to his human form. Except now he was dressed from head to toe in red and white Fur.
"A-HEE-HE-HE!" Shanoyu tore open his coat to reveal a T-shirt underneath with a rainbow on it, "I am Santa EO-Clause"
"Ow!" he screamed. All the Vampires who Indeed and Jack had not destroyed all of a sudden became Elves. They started covering Xi in Christmas decorations.
Shanoyu picked Andyp up from the ground and handed him a present that suddenly appeared in his hands, "Merry Christmas, Andyp! Ow!"
"Merry Christmas, Shanoyu, Santa Eo-Clause! Merry Christmas to all!
Pirates of the Damned, Crimson Tide.
I don't care what it did to them, the game's been good to me.
[Edit 1 times, last edit by Rick9109 at Dec 25, 2004 6:26:49 AM]
Joined: Apr 1, 2004
You got me better the first time. Many a Christmases have I ruined by singing.
Joined: Jan 2, 2004
Yarrr - i know me king is a cool guy ;) - hope hes well again after the flight around Xi ...
The winner is Notorious Fandango. - and puff! and gone ;)
certified ZombDango . notorious.
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