• Play
  • About
  • News
  • Forums
  • Yppedia
  • Help
Welcome Guest   | Login
  Index  | Recent Threads  | Register  | Search  | Help  | RSS feeds  | View Unanswered Threads  
  Search  


Quick Go »
Thread Status: Normal
Total posts in this thread: 19
[Add To My Favorites] [Watch this Thread] [Post new Thread]
Author
Previous Thread This topic has been viewed 2941 times and has 18 replies Next Thread
MrsClaus

Member's Avatar


Joined: Dec 2, 2003
Posts: 42
Status: Offline
Pirate's Handbook Literary Contest| Deadline Dec 15-Noon PST Reply to this Post
Reply with Quote

Contest: Write a manual for doing mundane (or not so mundane) things the PIRATE way.
Deadline: Noon PST, Dec 15th
Word Limit: 500 max
Format: Each should start with the title 'How to <blank> Like a Pirate' (No, no, no, don't type <blank> - fill in your topic there!)

A Very Short and Poor Example of the Format, but Not How to Write Your Entry:

How to Eat Salad Like a Pirate wrote: 


First, surround the bowl with ships.
Second, fire a warning shot across the rim.
Third, grappel the salad.
Fourth, tow the salad to the nearest island.
Fifth, leave the salad on the beach and hide in the trees.
Sixth, when a rabbit approaches, bash it over the head with a stick and roast it.

Real pirates don't eat salad.


Prize: A Holiday Outfit of your choice (up to 15k)
----------------------------------------
Mrsclaus
[Dec 6, 2004 10:55:20 AM] Show Printable Version of Post        Send Private Message [Link]  Go to top 
Gloraelin

Member's Avatar


Joined: Jun 15, 2004
Posts: 4731
Status: Offline
Re: Pirate's Handbook Literary Contest| Deadline Dec 15-Noon PST Reply to this Post
Reply with Quote

[question not included in entry:]are titles included in word count?[/question]

how to find clothes like a pirate:

after you step off the pollywog, find nice clothes.

go to the alpha docks. beg a person with a yellow name to "donate" to your pathetic cause. then, when they don't answer, or worse yet, tell you to "supper off," simply beg them for the clothes themselves.

after the dock approach fails, go to the notice board. pick a crew at random. job with them, hopefully landing an invite to the crew. earn poe pillaging and playing the apothecary puzzle.

save poe at bank. do not enter random various tournaments, especially in another arch, for the bank fees will kill you.

three months later, walk into tailor. find clothes again. buy. enjoy.

until they dust into rags, that is. then, repeat from beginning as desired.
----------------------------------------
Jen wrote: 
yes glor.. your boobs are vuluptously awesome.
 
Ye have received a trade request from Thunderbird.
Those two offers are identical, what's the point?

[Dec 6, 2004 11:16:57 AM] Show Printable Version of Post        Send Private Message    http://www.livejournal.com/users/gloraelin/    gloraelin    gloraelin [Link]  Go to top 
Evildarkon



Joined: Apr 6, 2004
Posts: 15
Status: Offline

Re: Pirate's Handbook Literary Contest| Deadline Dec 15-Noon PST Reply to this Post
Reply with Quote

How to grocery shop like a pirate

First ye'll want t'gather a crew of 3 (or more) fellow pirates, jobbers are acceptable.

Second ye'll be wanting t'stock yer cart before ye set off. Head t'produce and fill up on grapefruit (Or watermelon if yer on a superkart). Then it's off t'liquor t'make sure ye got plenty o' rum t'go 'round.

Third, assign stations, ye need a sailor pushing th'cart, a gunner t'sit inside, and a bilger t'squeeze below deck wi'the dog food.

Now, sail around the aisles, ye should have plenty o' foraging b'tween th' three of ye to get whatever ye be needing. In the event ye run into a brigand cart, have yer gunner shell them with grapefruit until ye be close enough t'twisty-tie them and steal their cargo. In case ye be getting shelled as well, make sure yer bilger leans over and throws the damage off yer cart.

Finally, once yer all filled up with commodities, ye'll be needin' to sail past a blockade o' an uninhabited island, so that ye can stash yer loot. With any luck, all the ringers be busy wi' the other pirates, and there be only one or two that'll try t'stop ye. With a good enough gunner, ye can probably sink 'em on yer way through, but yer sailer'll need t'be at full sails t'make it. Once yer through, stash yer goods and repeat if necessary.
[Dec 7, 2004 2:12:34 AM] Show Printable Version of Post        Send Private Message [Link]  Go to top 
Male Guest
Re: Pirate's Handbook Literary Contest| Deadline Dec 15-Noon PST Reply to this Post
Reply with Quote

How to cook dinner like a pirate:

First things first, we need some form of meat. Create an alt flag to blockade Jorvik. While the loots are defending their island, snatch up Piggy Ariadne.

Scurvy is a big problem on the high seas so we?ll want to make some sort of citrus marinade. Stuff your Piggy Ariadne with pieces of orange, apple, pineapple, and onions. Marinate Ariadne overnight with fresh squeezed orange juice, limejuice and honey to cut the tartness.

To cook our Ariadne we are going to need several things. First we need a hole, 6 feet deep, 6 feet long and 4 feet wide. The best places to locate these pits is right where you see a big X on your treasure map. Just follow your map to the X and dig. Consider whatever you find in the pit to be yours.

Next we need wood. To get wood simply go to your nearest beach and collect all the debris from the most recent blockades. You could also go and clear-cut the forests of Chaparral, never mind the PARROT. Fill the pit with wood, and keep a pile of wood handy.

You now need to get your fire started. Unless you?ve got a hemp oil lantern, the best place to get a fire from is a good old-fashioned forum flame war. Simply log into the forums and start talking about Thanos or RobertDonald. Voila! Fire! You?ll need to let your fire burn down to coals but while you do that you also want to heat 2 small cannonballs until they are red hot.

While your fire is burning you?ll need to wrap the pig up. You?ll need aluminum foil. To get aluminum foil, simply trick some greenies into giving you their foils (give em a stick from your wood pile), then pound the foils into sheets of foil. Wrap the entire piggy up but leave an opening at the belly. Before you close up the belly ye?ll be stickin yer 2 small cannonballs and stick em in there. They?ll help cook Ariadne from the inside out.

Now you need a few bales of hemp. The soggier the better, so grab the ones that have been sitting in bilge water fer a while. Spread your hay over the coals so until it?s about a foot thick. Then place Ariadne, cannonballs and all, right in the middle of the bed of hemp. Dump another foot or so of hemp on top of this all and cover your hole. To do this have yer best carpenter fill the hole with the remains of yer woodpile. Just make sure there?s no overlap; you want a pig dinner, not a pig?s breakfast.

A mere 20 hours later you?ve got a succulent roast Ariadne. Serves one, because pirates don?t like to share.
[Dec 7, 2004 4:53:13 AM] Show Printable Version of Post   [Link]  Go to top 
jamesreinsch



Joined: Nov 30, 2004
Posts: 6
Status: Offline

Re: Pirate's Handbook Literary Contest| Deadline Dec 15-Noon PST Reply to this Post
Reply with Quote

How to find Love like a Pirate
or, "How I learned be quiet and pump the bilge"

Male Edition:
Finding piratey love can be a tricky thing. Naturally, one's first impulse is to kidnap a young maid, put her to work in the scullery, and wait a few years until she's worn into a sad, lonely Molly Grue type, then step in as the only comfort in her dismal life.
This was certainly true in the days of scurvy and imperialism. Not so for the modern variant, the Puzzle Pirate.
The Puzzle Pirate, in his natural habitat, will often start with only the most rudimentary of mating instincts. The drive to find a companion will surely be present, but the smills necessary must be developed.
One can recognize a young pirate by the green plumage above the brow. As he ages and matures, we will notice this discoloration fading to a healthy yellow. it is suggested that you wait until your yellow is fully formed before seeking romance on the high seas.
Next you must spot a potential mate. Socializing in pubs or on docks is a particularly good way to do this, especially before or after tournaments or special events. This is also possible on jobbing pillages; it is highly recommended to job on a sloop with a lovely young pirate and a couple swabbies, thus forming a friendship through common struggle and co-operation.
Once you have spotted an attractive female who turns your pegleg to jelly, it's time to move in. Do not start with such phrases as "ASL?" The powers that be have seen fit to filter this phrase into a more appropriate greeting, but it will be obvious to your new companion that you have leaned upon an uncreative stratagem. Instead start with a friendly (and piratey) greeting, preferably mixed with a compliment, such as "Good day to ye, madam. That is a lovely shade of blood on yer rapier." With any luck, her head will be turned in your direction. If it is not, don't be discouraged! There are many fish in the archipelago. Remember at all times to be courteous and friendly, as this is the primary attribute setting you above most of the other lovesick lubbers out there.
Now that you've gotten the atention of a pretty pillager, remember to pay attention yourself. listen to her whims and desires, find out what her interests are. interject your own ideas into the discourse. Show her the depth of your character and she will surely find you irresistable. From there, simply let nature take its course.

Female Edition:
Wear a corset. Watch for jerks.
edit: i hope i haven't gone over the word limit, we don't have Word at work.
----------------------------------------
Kuroshi, Mediocre Officer and Cutter Baron of Alpha Gigi.

If it can't be done with a cutter, it's not worth doing.
[Dec 7, 2004 3:49:43 PM] Show Printable Version of Post        Send Private Message [Link]  Go to top 
Male Guest
Re: Pirate's Handbook Literary Contest| Deadline Dec 15-Noon PST Reply to this Post
Reply with Quote

Oh yeah, can I do more than one?
[Dec 8, 2004 12:05:46 AM] Show Printable Version of Post   [Link]  Go to top 
Queanie

Member's Avatar


Joined: Apr 12, 2004
Posts: 659
Status: Offline
Re: Pirate's Handbook Literary Contest| Deadline Dec 15-Noon PST Reply to this Post
Reply with Quote

How to Hold Business Meetings Like a Pirate

Yarr firstly ye be needing to prepare yer meeting room in suitable fashion. Step 1 is to make sure the meeting table is in the centre of the room and that a chair is placed upon it facing to the front of the room and one to the back. Step 2 is to place 1 chair facing the wall on the left of the table and 2 on the right, also place one chair facing the wall at the rear of the room.

Once the meeting attendees arrive ye must order the swabs to their posts. The mates who are to sail must take the chairs to the left and right of the table. The bilgers and the carpers must crawl under the table, er that is climb down into the hold aghem. One favoured carper may take the station at the rear of the room.. arr vessel. Ye must take your position in the chair upon the table facing forward and yer trusty gunner the other chair facing rear.

Arm your gunner with a rubber band and scrunched up balls of paper.

Get the meeting underway by shouting "Arr! Let us deport me mateys!"

All meeting attendees must use piratey talk or they will be planked (made to take minutes).

If any mate mentions the word 'strategy' they will be planked
If any mate mentiones the words 'sustainability' 'viability' and 'marketable' they will be planked.

If at any time another mate tries to enter the room.. er board the vessel... fire a salvo across their broadside.

Discussion points must be put under fire and and grappled with alacrity. All actions to be assisgned by ye by pointing yer pen.. er.. scimitar at the mate in question and shouting Avast! Ye scurvy dog!

Close the meeting by shouting'Land Ho!' and leaping off of the table brandishing yer scimitar.
----------------------------------------
Jezabella
Supposedly retired, but recently seen skulking around on various botes
[Dec 8, 2004 1:54:50 PM] Show Printable Version of Post        Send Private Message [Link]  Go to top 
RedDog

Member's Avatar


Joined: Aug 31, 2003
Posts: 842
Status: Offline
Swinging For Beginners or How To Die Like a Pirate Reply to this Post
Reply with Quote

Swinging For Beginners or How To Die Like a Pirate

I was a family man and a parson?s son
And I never was proud of the things I done
My given name was James but they call me Black Jake
In all my life I made but one mistake

T?was late in the summer of 1796
When I fell to the press and their evil tricks
I?d been to the bar to wet my baby?s head
Oh, if I?d gone straight home like my good wife said

I woke in the hold of a navy frigate
Our evil Captain?s name was that of Hugh Pigot
The crew despised the wicked devil
Everyone got the lash, even the straight and level

They beat us and starved us and called us scum
They stole our pay and withheld our rum
In ?97, when the scurvy struck
Pigot and his officers ran out of luck

Under darkness of night we stole about
Garrotting the officers before they could shout
The ship?s cook slashed the captain?s throat
Then we feasted on the meat from his roasted goat

As we set sail for the Spanish Main
The whole dammed thing seemed quite insane
When the Spaniards threw us into gaol
It seemed obvious that we were bound to fail

But I escaped with a dozen more
And stole a fishing boat anchored just off shore
We eventually signed up with a privateer
With a promise of gold and a belly full of beer

Up and down the coast we harried our prey
Sailing out for a year and a day
I grew rich on the loot we took
But then it was our turn to run out of luck

A British warship, ship of the line
With blazing gun and the blue ensign
Shot our masts and our rudder away
And instantly turned our blue sky grey

Now as here I stand under a blazing sun
Stood in line number twenty one
Shortly I will be hoisted high
Watch me as I kiss the sky

I?m not afraid, afraid to die
I will not weep or wail or cry
I will never ever, ever, ever get old
I?ll die with a smile, like a pirate bold

As I swing from the yardarm and dance a hempen jig
Looking down the officers in their powdered wigs
If it?s in my power I just might yell
Good bye my friends, see you all in hell


Seasnake

Some you may wish to check out the real facts about the British naval mutinies of 1797 and the sadistic Captain Hugh Pigot.
----------------------------------------
Captain of the Flying Tigers, King of The Patrician's Flag
Fortunatly the seasnake rarely bites humans.

11 years and still flying the flag.
[Dec 8, 2004 11:56:37 PM] Show Printable Version of Post        Send Private Message    http://seasnake.mysite.freeserve.com/ [Link]  Go to top 
Daynarius

Member's Avatar


Joined: Nov 12, 2004
Posts: 507
Status: Offline
Re: Pirate's Handbook Literary Contest| Deadline Dec 15-Noon PST Reply to this Post
Reply with Quote

How to lead a piratey concert band

First order of business: Foster a strong sense of team
- Tuba mouthpieces are perfect shot glasses, when sealed on the bottom with a finger. Encourage the low brass section to frequently imbibe mass quantities of rum during rehearsal. As the saying goes, the section that drinks together, sinks . . . er, um, I mean, stinks . . . oh, uh, thinks together. Yeah, that's it.
- Instruct the trombone section to cary out freqent pillages on the clarinet section. This friendly bit of competition will inspire everyone to be their best. And the clarinets don't mind. Really.

Equally important: Select the proper conducting tool
- Although flashy, a scimitar does not make good conductor's baton. Many a piratey flute section has been reduced to a piratey piccolo section when the conductor starting waving his/her scimitar-baton around in an over-enthusiastic manner.
- A stilleto is a good choice. It's short enough to spare the flute section from unnecessary carving, yet long enough to effectively threaten the oboes should they dare to play out of tune.

Also remember: Give the musicians a solid grounding in music history
- Teach them about all the major composers:
Bach (what you say when a greenie tries to impose upon you)
Haydn (what I am when the black ship appears)
Liszt (what a boat does in a sinking blockade, right before that final shot does it in)
And of course, the grandpappy of them all:
Mozyarrrt

Finally: Select appropriate concert music
- 1812 Overture should be performed at every concert. In addition to giving the musicians a real workout, it provides an opportunity to exercise the cannons. Not to mention the random audience casualty due to a poorly aimed cannon. Makes for a very dramatic performance.
- Other pirate-approved choices of music include . . . uh, hmm . . . well, actually, 1812 Overture is about it. But if you serve enough rum at the concerts, no one will remember what you played last time, anyway.
----------------------------------------
Daynarius
Proud SO of British Bandits on Midnight and avid Daily Doodler
Avatar by Crooks
[Dec 14, 2004 2:26:16 PM] Show Printable Version of Post        Send Private Message [Link]  Go to top 
Toxicbob



Joined: Mar 2, 2004
Posts: 17
Status: Offline

Re: Pirate's Handbook Literary Contest| Deadline Dec 15-Noon PST Reply to this Post
Reply with Quote

Daynarius, I don't wish to spike your guns (as if) but 1812?????

I think you need a history lesson or two:-

Samuel Bellamy Died 1717

Stede Bonnet was hung for piracy on December 10, 1718.

Anne Bonny - The exact date of her birth is not known, but it is believed that she was born illegitimately in County Cork, Ireland between 1697 and 1700. In October of 1720 her life of piracy and adventure came to an end along with that of her companions...

Mary Read - See above

Calico Jack Rackham- See above

William Dampier was born the son of a Somerset Farmer in 1652

Sir Francis Drake was born around 1540

Thomas Jones commissioned a ship and was in Jamaica by 1692

William Kidd was born around 1645

Bartholomew Roberts, referred to as the " Great Pirate Roberts", roamed the seas in the early eighteenth century.

Edward Teach - Blackbeard?s last stand was 21st October 1718

Henry Morgan had done well in executing the Kings orders. When he died in 1688 there were almost no buccaneers left.

1812? Us pirates were mostly gone to Davy Jones' Locker by then.
----------------------------------------
ToXicBob Capt. of the Merchants Guild

Is it a kind of dream,
Floating out on the tide,
Following the river of death downstream?
Oh, is it a dream?
[Aug 9, 2005 4:00:00 PM] Show Printable Version of Post        Send Private Message [Link]  Go to top 
Daynarius

Member's Avatar


Joined: Nov 12, 2004
Posts: 507
Status: Offline
Re: Pirate's Handbook Literary Contest| Deadline Dec 15-Noon PST Reply to this Post
Reply with Quote

Toxicbob:

1812 Overture. Has an actual part for a cannon. 'Nuf said.

- Daynarius

PS This is modern-day contest about doing things in a piratey way. The example was making a salad. Historical accuracy flew out the window a LONG time ago. Cheers!
----------------------------------------
Daynarius
Proud SO of British Bandits on Midnight and avid Daily Doodler
Avatar by Crooks
[Dec 15, 2004 4:12:13 AM] Show Printable Version of Post        Send Private Message [Link]  Go to top 
MrsClaus

Member's Avatar


Joined: Dec 2, 2003
Posts: 42
Status: Offline
Re: Pirate's Handbook Literary Contest| Deadline Dec 15-Noon PST Reply to this Post
Reply with Quote

[size=18]Winner: Stevedave
Congratulations!


Thanks everyone for the wonderful submissions!!
----------------------------------------
Mrsclaus
[Dec 16, 2004 12:16:11 AM] Show Printable Version of Post        Send Private Message [Link]  Go to top 
Male Guest
Re: Pirate's Handbook Literary Contest| Deadline Dec 15-Noon PST Reply to this Post
Reply with Quote

I'd like to thank the academy, my uncle John, Fred the mailman, Bob Barker, Admiral Ackabar, Piggy Ariadne, Inspector 37, Ambasador Kwan, the fine folks at Johnson & Johnson, Ed O'Neil, Master Shake, Ted Nugent, my agent, Michael Madsen, the guy who played Mr. Blue, Socrates, The all knowing all powerful smoking head of Bob, Maxwell Smart, MrsClaus, Arthur Dent, the Easter Bunny, Crewcut Chuck, Tommy Tutone, Alfred the butler, Lewis Black, God, Jerry Raferty, The guy who invented Velcro, Nabisco (because oreos rock), The Fonz, Mel Blanc, Frank the bunny, Peter Tork, the 12 year old Indonesian who made my shoes, Alfred Packer, George C. Scott, Alice from the Brady Bunch, Frank Stalone, and Jean Claude Van Damme, who all had almost no part in helping me win this.
[Dec 16, 2004 1:05:49 AM] Show Printable Version of Post   [Link]  Go to top 
Queanie

Member's Avatar


Joined: Apr 12, 2004
Posts: 659
Status: Offline
Re: Pirate's Handbook Literary Contest| Deadline Dec 15-Noon PST Reply to this Post
Reply with Quote

Congrats Stevedave yarr!

Can we assume that the xmas outfit will not deviate from yer unholy love of pink and lime? Hee hee ;)
----------------------------------------
Jezabella
Supposedly retired, but recently seen skulking around on various botes
[Dec 16, 2004 4:48:30 AM] Show Printable Version of Post        Send Private Message [Link]  Go to top 
Evildarkon



Joined: Apr 6, 2004
Posts: 15
Status: Offline

Re: Pirate's Handbook Literary Contest| Deadline Dec 15-Noon PST Reply to this Post
Reply with Quote

Bravo Stevedave. I think I may have to actually start following your suggestions, as the food we are served here is moving closer and closer to some kind of liquid. Although I'll have to substitue a sheep fer the pig, as we all know pigs are important for the cause. (Emperor Island's pig regiments will indeed one day take down Microsoft, and Jimmy Dean, on the same day.)
[Aug 9, 2005 4:00:00 PM] Show Printable Version of Post        Send Private Message [Link]  Go to top 
Male Guest
Re: Pirate's Handbook Literary Contest| Deadline Dec 15-Noon PST Reply to this Post
Reply with Quote

The funny thing is, that's almost exactly how you do a pig roast.

My new outfit is seski and *gasp* not lime and pink!
[Dec 16, 2004 9:08:21 PM] Show Printable Version of Post   [Link]  Go to top 
Discordia

Member's Avatar


Joined: Jul 23, 2003
Posts: 483
Status: Offline
Re: Pirate's Handbook Literary Contest| Deadline Dec 15-Noon PST Reply to this Post
Reply with Quote

Yay! Red is SO much better.
----------------------------------------
Due to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off until further notice.

Unknown Greenie wrote: 
My captain said I had to get three broads to be an officer. Can we have that many girlfriends?

[Dec 16, 2004 11:58:57 PM] Show Printable Version of Post        Send Private Message [Link]  Go to top 
Scavybones

Member's Avatar


Joined: Jun 25, 2007
Posts: 22
Status: Offline
Re: Pirate's Handbook Literary Contest| Deadline Dec 15-Noon PST Reply to this Post
Reply with Quote

how to start ur computer

1.have a black ship smash inot ur house
2.have it blast the computer to davy jones locker
3.if by some miracle it survives, which shoudn't happen if youve done th first two steps properly,use ur sword to press the powerbutton.
4.WAKE UP!! no such things as computer back then.
[Nov 28, 2007 1:28:32 AM] Show Printable Version of Post        Send Private Message [Link]  Go to top 
seb_long_uk

Member's Avatar


Joined: Mar 6, 2006
Posts: 3313
Status: Offline
Re: Pirate's Handbook Literary Contest| Deadline Dec 15-Noon PST Reply to this Post
Reply with Quote

 
how to start ur computer

1.have a black ship smash inot ur house
2.have it blast the computer to davy jones locker
3.if by some miracle it survives, which shoudn't happen if youve done th first two steps properly,use ur sword to press the powerbutton.
4.WAKE UP!! no such things as computer back then.


Twice?! Check the DATES before you post replies, this competition finished nearly 3 years ago.
----------------------------------------
Domokun
Avatar by the incredible Tilinka
[Nov 28, 2007 2:13:15 AM] Show Printable Version of Post        Send Private Message    My other sloop is a Gold/Gold rename [Link]  Go to top 
[Show Printable Version of Thread] [Post new Thread]

Puzzle Pirates™ © 2001-2016 Grey Havens, LLC All Rights Reserved.   Terms · Privacy · Affiliates