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Joined: Dec 9, 2005
This is the Entry Thread for 'The Zoo Heist'. For more information, please refer to the Event Thread.
Geologist - now exclusively Obsidian flavoured
[Edit 2 times, last edit by superstarsam at Feb 7, 2009 7:20:25 AM]
Joined: Sep 14, 2005
The Final Heist
Bad Luck Joe read over the job description again. He was really living up to his nickname this time. That eccentric, wealthy old bat wanted to complete her collection with an octopus and an elephant. The only way Joe would get paid for his past three jobs for her was to get these last two animals. But not just any octopus and elephant, like he could easily buy on the black-market; oh no, the most famous octopus and elephant in the metro area: the ones that fell in love. Well, that's what the headlines said, anyway. As far as Joe could tell, the animals just waved at each other through the windows of their enclosures. If you read the papers, though, you'd think they were picking out china and setting a date for the wedding.
These two love-creatures were currently housed in the world-renowned Metro Zoo. Besides the usual zoo security and cameras, there were mobs of pressmen with more cameras and adoring fans with even more cameras constantly crowding around the enclosures. Any attempt at stealing them would have to occur under the cover of darkness and after the tourists and pressmen had left. Joe could easily sneak into the zoo after hours, he'd done that in his childhood, even. But how to get the elephant to move where he wanted, let alone at all? How could he safely transport an octopus?
For inspiration, Joe turned to his trusty guidebook, "Tools of the Trade: How to Steal Anything from Anywhere Using Common Household Objects". He flipped past the sections on cutting glass with cheap diamond nail files, constructing wall-climbing gear out of Romper-Stompers and paste, and the fifty ways to eliminate fingerprints (only 3 of which hurt). "Chapter 9: Cattle Rustlin'" covered live animal robberies, and Joe had really only skimmed it before. According to the flow chart on pages 219-220, if the animal required a special apparatus for survival, the only thing to do was to steal the apparatus with the animal in it. Alright, then, Joe needed to steal an extremely heavy elephant and an extremely heavy tank with an octopus in it from the Metro Zoo. He was definitely going to need a truck. And a forklift.
Luckily for Bad Luck Joe, the zoo had many trucks and forklifts on site, so all he really needed to do was get in there and start stealing! He assembled his kit of nail files, screwdrivers, paste, paper cups, twine, and roller skate wheels, and decided to get this job over with tonight. He'd be on his way to Bermuda with all that cash in two days' time, and never have to cover his fingers with hot wax and sand again (one of the less painful methods outlined in his book, but still unpleasant). Joe rubbed his coffee pot for luck (it hadn't worked yet, but why not?) and set out to the zoo at midnight. He slipped through the fences by the Reptile House and made his way toward the maintenance shed.
Joe disabled the cameras at the shed using paste and a paper cup, then selected a large utility truck with the keys in the ignition. He loaded up a forklift and some elephant treats in the back and grabbed a hard hat just in case. Joe used the pay phone outside to call security to report a rampaging mob of love-creature fans at the main entrance. As security rushed to the other side of the zoo, Joe drove the truck to the elephant enclosure right next to the cephalopod display. He disabled the cameras there, then started looking for the elephant. Not surprisingly, she was standing at the glass waving her trunk at the octopus, who was waving his tentacles in reply. Joe noisily dumped the elephant treats in the far corner of the enclosure and managed to attract the love-sick elephant. Joe assembled his pulleys, cut the trunk-streaked glass before the octopus, and carefully slid the tank out the hole he'd just cut. Then he realized the munching sounds had stopped.
Now, despite what Bad Luck Joe thought, these two animals really were madly in love with each other. When the elephant saw a man bringing her beloved closer to her, she was overjoyed. So happy, in fact, she trumpeted and charged to the site to take up her beloved and the man in a super-hard-core-all-out-elephant-love-embrace. Unfortunately, it was really dark, and the elephant was kind of clumsy, and she missed the tank altogether but did manage to get the man. However, as she had powered up for a 3-way hug and got only the man, Joe was completely out of luck. He had all the wind and half his life knocked out of him before the elephant realized her mistake and dropped him. The drop, of course, knocked him out, but as Joe fell he did see her pick up the tank and start running. The next thing Joe saw was a very bright light and a very stern nurse standing before a very angry policeman in a very ugly hospital. Joe could be happy, at least, that he had lived through the ordeal. After his rehabilitation and prison term, he became known as "Hard Hat Joe".
The elephant managed to make it to Vegas before dawn and was married to the octopus by Elvis. I said Vegas, as in Las Vegas, anything can happen there. They spent a lovely honeymoon and then made a living posing for pictures for inspirational posters and greeting cards. Their only regret was that they were unable to find Joe, but they figured a man who selflessly brings lovers together against all odds must keep very busy indeed.
(I got a word count of 969, hope we don't disagree on that too much)
I was so inspired I had to write right away, hopefully me early entry inspires more mates to enter! Thanke again for the opportunity :)
Edit: removed errant "?", dunno how it got in there.
Guppygurl, Cobalt Ocean.
[Edit 1 times, last edit by GreenTail at Jan 5, 2009 7:26:49 PM]
Joined: Nov 29, 2008
The Zoo Heist
by Pedigo of the Cobalt
A confluence of happenstance very seldom works out in favor of those blighted to a life of misfortune.
And if a life of misfortune had ever felt the need to declare a penacle of such suffering, Igor would have won hands down. But as fate would have none of it, no such contest existed.
By the whims of his Master, Igor stood outside the rusting iron gates of the zoo. A crooked stick in hand searching for a scheme or plan in the dirt.
Alas the course of study at the Notre Dame School of Kyphosistically Challenged Henchmen was of little use in this. In fact, said curriculum had proven less useful than promised in all ways. But It was Igor's only viable career path having enormous guilt over wrecking his own mother's dream of being a world famed dancer. After the difficulty of his birth, mother was only able to pursue the taboo and fiscally limited path of the Mad Crab style of tango. So it fell on his humped shoulder to be the family's breadwinner.
As the wood flashed through the silt, the no plan became a bad plan but went no further. Despite clouds of kicked dirt do overs and rescribbles, it lodged firmly in the category of bad. Never even sniffing at okay plan.
Resigned to his ultimate failure, Igor slowly scaled the gates to the ramshackeled zoo.
It was a zoo born of insane architecture and a poorly educated mind. For instance, the cage of the elephant (that master wanted for his memory enhancing gene splicing project) was just a tortured trunks length plus four inches away from the octopus' tank (who master simply wanted for dinner)...vertically.
So as Igor searched for a large enough rock inside the zoo, he could glance up at the dirty tank resting on top of the unaturally thin elephant's cage. If only he had paid a closer eye he could have noticed the octopus taunting the elephant with soggy food.
A factor not figured into Igor's plan was the fact that the zookeeper was indeed a idiot of no small proportion. Daily, he dumped the elephants food into the octopus's tank. And this particular octopus by nature being a mean and spiteful beast waved it in all eight arms at the starving pachyderm.
Finding a rock, Igor waded through the equally bizzare moat surrounding the elephants cage. In it's murky waters swam furiously paddling white mice. Mistaking the elephants hunger for a bad attitude, the dolt of a zoo keeper had dug and planned this backup security measure. Unfortunately, mice being poor swimmers they drowned daily. So the dwindling zoo's budget be damned, a fresh batch was poured in every morning.
As he topped the zoo keepers feeding ladder, a shudder of futility crawled down his crooked spine. It was a familiar feeling born of a lifetime of knowing that a confluence of happenstance very seldom works out in the favor of those blighted to a life of misfortune.
But he jumped all the same and instantly the bad plan spiralled downward into a plan of unimaginable adjectives.
As soon as he hit the water of the tank, the octopus swarmed up and engulfed him and the rock. The first flaw of the plan was, in not knowing the nature of a octopus, and then without reason hoping that it was similiar to a kitten. As he was slowly crushed, he now knew it was not in anyway like a kitten.
Then the whole mess smacked the bottom of the tank and smashed through. Pouring with a few tons of escaping water in a wiggling mess in front of the shocked but famished elephant. Quickly the surprise wore off and the elaphant bellowed loudly while trying madly to stomp it's tormentor. It's fury meaning it either did not know of or care about Igor's being cocooned inside the equally scared octopus. As he rolled and scrambled about in terror from the massive stomps, Igor's mind shattered into tiny sad shards.
His broken mind landed on the one moment of happy he could ever recall...learning the Mad Crab Tango with his mom.
As Igor broke out into a fevor of dance with his unwilling but pliant partner the octopus, the elephanted skidded to a sudden halt. As the confused sea creature and the smiling Igor twirled and scampered about in the puddles, the zoo came to a grinding halt.
This place was about madness itself but the whirling and skittering motions of the Mad Crab Tango was insane of a different color. Each creature stared from their own unique prison and heard the music of distant native lands. And for a brief golden moment, the octopus found himself enjoying the jig, the elephant forgot his growling hunger and Igor was smiling....
The freed water of the cracked tank overflowed the moat outside. In a swirling rush of water, a wave came back into the cage carrying with it...
[Edit 3 times, last edit by Pedigo3 at Feb 3, 2009 2:37:29 AM]
Joined: Nov 23, 2005
A Heist of Idioms
Minim L. Words was a bundle of nerves as he snuck into the zoo during the predawn hours. Minim, a notorious cat burglar, had never been involved with an animal heist before. This job was going to be a horse of a different color. The money, however, was too good to pass up and it had been months since his last job. He figured this single job would leave him rolling in the dough and living high on the hog.
Mr. Words had spent all the livelong day planning his job. He had to get the animals out of the zoo while all the time remaining so quiet you could hear a pin drop. Muzzle, the octopus, was easily transferred to a tank in the passenger seat of the truck. The elephant, named Actions, was a little harder to handle. Actions proved to be a little long in the tooth and didn't put up much of a fuss. Minim had to also make sure the elephant's trunk was tightly bound so he couldn't trumpet and let the cat out of the bag. With Muzzle riding shotgun and Actions in the back he put the pedal to the metal and beat a hasty retreat.
The animal buyer would not be able to take delivery of Muzzle and Actions until the next evening. Minim had decided to hide them in a vacant office next to the Dime a Dozen Donut Shop in town. He bet dollars to donuts that this was the one place where the police would be to preoccupied to bother with him. Once the tank holding the octopus and the elephant were safely inside, the office seemed so small you had to go outside to turn around. Minim made sure Actions was leashed and his trunk bound. He didn't worry to much about Muzzle; after all, it was just a run of the mill octopus.
Feeling confident that all was going as planned, Minim decided to settle down in a big comfy office chair and hit the hay. Just as he had headed off to dreamland he was awakened by a loud crash that scared the daylights out of him. Actions the elephant had pulled loose from the leash and backed into a row of file cabinets and sent them crashing into the wall.
Afraid that the noise would alarm the three police officers he saw go inside next door, Minim decided to devise a story to tell them. While retying Actions and checking on Muzzle, Minim came up with the perfect story to satisfy the police. He needed one that would have them out of his hair in a New York minute. He would tell the officers that he had knocked over a stack of crates while looking through the window and trying to keep an eye on two men he saw running down the street with money bags.
Minim was on pins and needles as he checked the leash one more time. He was too worried to notice that the ropes on Actions trunk had also come loose. Muzzle took it all in from her tank and began signaling Actions using only the blink of an eye. As soon as Minim thought he was in the clear there was a loud knock at the front door.
Minim got ready with his cock and bull story and was heading to the door. Muzzle sprang into Actions, and using his big elephant ear hit a homerun, batting Muzzle toward Minim. Muzzle attached herself to the lower part of Minim's face. The knocking became more insistent and Minim struggled to remove Muzzle so he could get a word in edgewise. While all hell broke loose, Actions had enough time to free his trunk. As Actions glared at Minim he raised his trunk high and trumpeted until he was blue in the face.
The police officers had heard about the missing zoo animals and knew immediately that they had solved the case. They proceeded to bust down the door and found the muzzled thief. At first the police didn't know him from Adam, but once the octopus was removed it was clear who he was. They informed Minim L. Words of his rights and hauled him off to the big house where he could cool his heels. Minim knew he was caught between a rock and a hard place. The zoo was called and the animals were safely returned to their habitats.
The next day, while sitting in the slammer, Minim L. Words decided that even though his best laid plans went down like a lead balloon he wasn't going to cry over spilt milk. Just as he was feeling better someone in the police department decided to rub salt in an open wound. When Minim wasn't looking someone slipped a copy of the daily newspaper under the bars in his cell. When Minim noticed the paper he hung his head in shame. Across the front page in huge bold letters was the headline:
Zoo Heist Thwarted
ACTIONS SPOKE LOUDER THAN WORDS
Word Count 845 (Approximate)
Boggybloo - Cerulean
Blooregard everywhere else.
Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
- H.L. Mencken
[Edit 6 times, last edit by BoggyBloo at Jan 24, 2009 8:27:59 AM]
Joined: Aug 1, 2005
"The San Diego Zoo Robbery"
Well, seeing as I will be spending the next 23 years of my life in a small, crowded, very smelly corridor I decided to write as to why I am in this predicament. Let me start out by telling you that I go by name of Clyde. I was fairly new to this type of business and my fellow friends liked to point out that my reputation preceded me. Oh and this so called business I speak of is none other than the business and the life of a common thief.
It was a dark, fairly cold night when I thought of the genius plan to steal none other than the San Diego Zoos prized possessions, a very rare grey elephant that goes by the name of Peanut and a mysterious black octopus named Ink. I learned about these two rare animals in the daily events section of the San Diego Newspaper and was shocked to find out how much these animals where purchased by the zoo and how rare they are. That dumb grey elephant named Peanut I was telling you about, well it just so happens that he cost a cool $1,000,000 and his little friend Ink well lets just say hes worth double that. I have robbed many things in my small career as a thief but nothing compared to the amount of money I could make if my plot to steal these animals would work. Of course I ran this plot through my friends to see if maybe they could give me some advice as to how I could go about making this robbery a success but they all just laughed and said I was crazy for even thinking about pulling such a stupid stunt as that.
After a long amount of thinking about and planning the robbery I finally decided that I would most definitely follow through with it and that Peanut and Ink would be mine. The very next day I spent all day on Ebay bargaining with local people for items I would be needing to make this robbery a success, unfortunately my past robberies got me a very little amount of money, see I wasnt very good at stealing things which made this whole plot to steal these animals a very stupid thing to do but hey, Im a stupid guy and very desperate at that. That day I was only able to purchase a long coil of rope, a small fish tank and a small wagon.
I awoke early the very next day and spent all day setting up for the big robbery that would be going down that night and was finally ready to get myself an elephant and an octopus. That night I pulled my wagon and the few other materials to the zoo and hid in a bush waiting for the zookeeper to get drunk and pass out like he normally did on a daily basis so that I could sneak into the zoo and steal these stupid rare animals. Well, the zookeeper got drunk like I said he would and I slowly and very swiftly snuck into the San Diego Zoo and crept over to the first animals exhibit which just so happened to be Ink the eight legged freaks tank. The thing about Ink that made me very happy was that he was a very old and dumb octopus which made it that much easier for me to steal him, and everyone knows that old and dumb does not go hand in hand. I slowly submerged myself into Inks tank and grabbed tightly to one of its arms and slowly pulled him out of the tank. To my surprise the octopus put up no sort of fight, see the this particular octopus grew very fond of the alcoholic zookeeper and probably mistook me for him, and since this octopus could not see because it was so dark out he probably thought I was his zookeeper getting ready to give him his daily portion of sausage. I dont particularly know why Ink was fed sausage but I did know that he liked it and that it really wasnt important.
After I caught the octopus I put him in a smaller tank and loaded him onto the wagon I purchased earlier. Everything was going perfectly as planned and I had one more animal to go when the bottle of whiskey the zookeeper was drinking actually fell into the tank that I was temporarily keeping the octopus in, and of course I was too distracted by the sight of Peanut a couple feet away to notice. After a few minutes of basking in glory I heading towards Peanuts exhibit. I walked slowly and quietly towards the giant beast when suddenly he awoke from his slumber. To my surprise he turned his head to me as if asking to play with him. I gently tied the long coil of rope around his neck and fastened the rope to the small wagon. After everything was secure I gently urged the elephant towards the exit of the zoo making a clean and unnoticed getaway.
This is it! I screamed, Im going to be rich! when suddenly the elephant let out a loud outburst and began to swing his trunk and stomp his feet. That is when I looked over and noticed the empty floating bottle of whiskey in the octopuss tank, but where was Ink? Oh no! I yelled, when it finally struck me that the hungry intoxicated octopus bit and held on to the elephants tail! The hungry intoxicated octopus mistook the elephants tail for the juicy piece of sausage he was fed daily! Suddenly in an instant everything went black and to my surprise I awoke in the hospital the very next morning.
Once I awoke the doctor explained tome that while the elephant was shouting in pain he threw his truck right at my forehead and knocked me unconscious. After this explanation two police men walked right into my hospital room and took me right to prison. And now you know my story, the story of a very dumb and desperate thief named Clyde.
Written by Deathcall of the Cobalt Ocean
Joined: Mar 14, 2006
The Unsuccessful Robbery
There once was a robber who planned on stealing an elephant and a octopus from a zoo. His nick name was, of course, Desperate Del. His father just adored computers, so naturally he would name him, Del! He was poor and needed money badly. He had hoped he could just counterfeit money, but he found it hard to draw the faces with his green crayon... So he tried colored pencils! It was no use, although he did art in preschool, he still couldn't do it. He had a few more ideas, but of course! Find a job! He searched the help wanted section in the paper, which he stole from his neighbors, for a job he would like. He found a job to be an animal dropping disposer, so he went to the place where he would get interviewed, but he was turned down. Apparently he did not know enough about poop for him to get the job. So he decided to steel animals from the zoo and to sell them on eBay, but of course! A simple solution. He had planned it all out to be what he
THOUGHT was perfect. He would go into the zoo at 12:00 midnight. His friend was the manager of the zoo, and had once told him where the key was, because he had gone on vacation and needed him to take care of the animals. So at midnight on January 26, he went to the zoo to steal the animals. But when he had gone a while ago to take care of the animals for his "friend" he didn't even feed them, so therefor the animals hated him. He decided to start with the octopus, after all, he didn't weigh 2,000 pounds! He went to where the octopus was kept, he noticed that the glass to the cage was inside a building, but outside, there was no top, just a fence...he climbed the fence and stood on a rock so he didn't have to wade in the water, he tried to get the octopus to come up so the man could capture him with his net, but it was no use. The octopus wouldn't come up. He decided that he would get the octopus tomorrow, but he hoped that TODAY he would get the
elephant. He went to where the elephant was kept, he thought that it would be easy because the elephant didn't live in the water. Well the elephant was quite feisty and would not let the robber take him. He sprayed water from his nose so hard it knocked the robber against the metal of the elephant cage. Well this robber would not give up! How he wanted the elephant so. The robber shook off the water and ran towards the elephant with his net! He got the net around the elephant but then realized that he could not drag the elephant to his car...he decided, just like with the octopus to wait until tomorrow. He carefully cleaned up any mark that he had been there and left. He quietly put the key to the zoo back in his friends house and then he returned home and went to bed. The next day he planned out his trap for the animals even better. He planned to bring 15 people with him to help carry the elephant. And of course he would bring a tow truck to
put the animals in. Once again he went at midnight to the zoo where he was to meet his friends. He was excited to see that they were all there! He started with the octopus. The man tried and tried to get him up out of the water and finally he came! The reason re octopus came up was because the man was keeping him up. The man took his net and ran towards the octopus but the octopus wouldn't dare be put in that net. He put one of his legs on the man's head and almost suffocated from the suction cups, but finally, he got free from them! But the octopus wasn't done yet, he strangled the robber the people that came to help watched in awe. Then started laughing! Pain was funny in their opinion... After much struggle and consideration, he decided to not steel the octopus. He went to the elephant and once again was sprayed...but he continued! The elephant sprayed more and more, and once again, the people their to help just laughed. He ran towards
the elephant at full speed in hopes that he wouldn't move so that he could get the net around him. Success! He got the net around him. He and the people that came with him carried him to the truck. They drove and were about 5 miles from home when they were crossing a small bridge meant for one car. The bridge broke because the weight the elephant was adding too much. Then, they saw bad news, a police car. The police car stopped for an accident report. He noticed the elephant in the back and the robbers went to jail. The robber was disappointed about the elephant, he supposed maybe eBay wasn't the answer to all his problems.
Gymboy on Cobalt :)
Gymboy on Cerulean
Kingopuzzles starting up on Emerald
[Edit 2 times, last edit by danny360 at Feb 3, 2009 11:28:01 AM]
The cold metal bars of the cage chilled the face of the hooded man, as he strained his arm once more to try and reach through them and grab the focal point of his efforts.. With a final push, and a grating screech as the bars protested, his shoulder finally slipped through. With these new few inches of leeway, the man was able to flip up a plastic cover, rough against his punished fingers, and finally flip the fuse switch inside, causing lights to flicker, like yawning animals waking up to the day, and reluctantly turn on one by one. The man let out a jaw-cracking yawn. Easy, like before. He made to step up out of his crouch - smack! - his head flew backwards, slamming into the metal bar.
Dazed, wobbling, and with shivering knees, the hooded man collected himself and slowly stood up. He made to make a step forwards - no!
Somewhere, not too distant, not too close, but somewhere.. somewhere... was the sound of metal on metal. Was a key turning? Was a magazine clicking into place? Was... shiver... a teen band practising - in this very room?
Slowly... so slowly, with first his pupils, then his head, he looked to his right, expecting to see anything.
Fearful, he turned to his left.
Heart pounding, he stood still. Then, suddenly, he jumped up, turning in the air, to face backwards.
Crashing noises erupted and the man dived to the floor. Bombs! Fire! Help! Any and all possibilities, realistic and remote, passed through his head, as he lay helpless on the ground. Finally, emerging from his fetal position, he took his thumb out of his mouth and saw the cause of his worries.
Attached to his arm, stuck on at the shoulder, was the metal cage, ripped out from the wall. Nervous laughter broke through his lips as the man realised, and relief washed through him as he realised he could still succeed. Collecting himself again and shaking his head at his stupidity, he began to walk forwards, shining his torch from the pocket in his belt into each of the tanks lining the wall.
A fish called 'Kneemo' , Clownfish. Nope.
A mammal called 'Three William', Mini Whale. Nuh-uh.
A fish called 'Wanda', Yellow-Striped Dunefish Celibrity appearences! Wow!
He passed twelve tanks until he finally found his goal.
A mammal called 'A. T. Arms', Atlantic Octopus
Well, it was about time! He opened another pocket on his belt to reveal 'Sleep-e-z Sleeping Mist. Spray on and be knocked out!'
Opening the food compartment door, he took aim with the nozzle, placing it right above the octopus. His finger came down on the button - once, twice, three times! - and, bringing his hand back out, he had a mental scream.
He hadnt pressed any nozzle. He'd been pressing the arm of A. T. Arms, the Atlantic Octopus! His bottle of Sleep-e-z Sleeping Mist sank deeper into the tank, bubbling as it fell, but ignored by the hooded robber as the octopus sucked painfully on his hand. Instictivly, he shook his arm, running in circles and screaming. The clamour from the rattling cage on his arm added to the commotion but the octopus held on strong, refusing to let go.
Animals outside, waking up angrily with all the noise, roared and screeched and trumpeted their frustrations, and before long the whole zoo was in chaos and anarchy. Animals screeched louder than their neighbours who roared even louder than them, and neither winning, resorted to pounding each other with paws and claws and the coconuts from Mrs. Girraffe's pen. Monkeys climbed trees for vantage points and threw their 'natural' projectiles at any and all, angering the lions, who roared at the Meerkats who fled their cage, running past and scaring the elephant who trumpeted her discontent - all of which a screaming manic man inside the aquarium was unaware of, as the flailing arms of the octopus shattered the turtles protective glass, and who in feral rage started biting the feet of the would-be robber, all the while who was yelling and screaming in manic panic. Running through the fire exit, an alarm was triggered and the siren wailed - ineffective against the chaos outside - and an automatic sprinkling system wetted all the furious animals inside their cages. Lions, marmosets, crocodiles, penguins, girraffes, elephants, wolves, deer, geese, storks, toucans, chimpanzees and a recently-awoken cleaning lady now all yammered at a furious level, and those who hadnt yet escaped rammed themselves at the exits to their cages and doors.
A meerkat clung to a mans leg just above a biting turtle, while a baby chimpanzee held tightly to his back and shoulders. Angry woodpeckers dive-bombed him every so often as he ran. The cage, still stuck to his shoulder was quite a hindrance to his movement. All of this was lost on him though, and all of his concentration was on his running.
Behind him was a stampeding and angry African Elephant - the very one he had hoped to steal.
Thank you, thank you very much! I hope I made you laugh. If I didn't I've lost already. But, I did - right? Right?
Just watch my avatar for ten seconds and tell me you didnt snigger.
Your word counter counted it at 'Number of words: 846'
Written by Unknownname of the Cobalt Ocean. And great job, I lubb these contests (<3) :D Good luck everyone!
[Edit 4 times, last edit by name_unknown at Feb 5, 2009 8:19:46 AM]
Joined: Jul 8, 2007
I counted this at 997 words. This was so much fun to write, thanks for the opportunity!
The following excerpt comes from an upcoming memoir by Edna P. Trumpeter, as interpreted and written by world renowned Elephant Translator Murry W. Blaukoff.
I am told, being as how I have never written nor heard of a memoir before, that it is what one does when one becomes famous. So, seeing as I am undoubtedly the heroine of the great attempted Zoo Theft of 1952, I suppose it only seems fitting that I write this memoir of my obviously thrilling and interesting life. But, I feel that I must start at the beginning, the one event that has been the impedance of me "writing" this memoir. Although, perhaps, telling my memoir would be more appropriate. I can only trumpet my tale, you see, my friend Murry here has the appendages necessary to put this phenomenal story to print. But, enough about that, let's get started. The Zoo Theft of 1952...
It all started, as I am told, because of love. Oh, no, not me... goodness no. I am, proudly, one of those new-fangled Femiphants. That is, Feminist Elephant. I aim to be a strong, independent pachyderm until the day I die. But I digress. No, it was not I who was in love, but rather my quite unfortunate would-be captor who was the one bitten by the love bug. The poor sap was head over heals in love with the richest, most prominent socialite this side of the Mason Dixon Line (whatever that means). He was, in any way possible, determined to win her love in return.
He was, as I am told, in all sense of the word, poor. He tried to get a job so he could make some money so perhaps, one day, this woman of his dreams would notice him. Unfortunately, his job as a newspaper reporter didn't quite work out (he was terrified talking to people). So did his job at the Fire Department (sirens made him queasy). As well as his job at the construction site (hard hats made him feel claustrophobic). He had felt all was lost, that is, until one day he was reading the local paper.
He saw, as I am told, a newspaper article featuring... well, me! And that (shudder) horrid Octopus. The article told of how the zoo was going to transfer myself and the Octopus to another fancier Zoo. The transfer was set to happen within the next day and that the elephant and octopus had already been put into their special travel cages. That's when he got his most brilliant (can elephants be sarcastic?) idea. He knew that his socialite love's favorite animals were elephants and octopi. Honestly? Her favorite animal, other than the most magnificent me, was the terrifying abomination they call an octopus? Well, there's no accounting for taste. Anyway. He figured the animals were already going to be given away, why not steal them and present them to his lady love as a gift of his undying affection. So, he set his plan into motion directly and decided to do the deed that evening.
That's when I first saw him. I was in my travel cage, unable to sleep that night. Well, how could you expect me to sleep, being placed next to the travel tank of that horrible cephalopod the zoo keepers lovingly called "Mittens". But I digress. I saw him then, as I was pondering over my loathing for Mittens, trying to be sneaky, but failing as his hands were uncontrollably shaking. But I have to give it to him; he was determined to see his plan through. He had gotten an elephant-sized muzzle, presumably from the zoo keepers' shed, and was coming over to my cage with it! Well, I wasn't going to let him muzzle ME, no sirree. So, I waited for him to unlock my cage, and the plan was to charge him. However, as I was getting ready to charge, a raccoon scurried across my path. And if there's anything I hate more than octopi, it was raccoons! In my frightened state, I ended up punting that disgusting creature out of my sight... and it sailed through the air and made contact with my assailants head, knocking him out cold! Well, I was pretty darn proud of myself. So, as I stood there, looking proud, I noticed... Mittens. He was staring right at me... his frightening beak-mouth open... bubbles escaping... oh my! Why, he was laughing at me! Well now, that was the last straw. I wasn't going to let him torment me anymore. So I charged his tank, and as I made contact I happily noticed that my head butt had successfully cracked his tank. With a smug look on my face, I watched as the tank then burst open and Mittens (looking scared, hah!) got swept away... and landed on top of the unconscious thief. Right then, the police decided to show up. And Mittens, seeing the police, promptly wrapped his wiggling arms around the criminal, just as he was coming to. I was enraged! They thought that HE had captured the thief!
Well, now we all know the truth, don't we? Despite what the papers said, despite what the mayor said, that octopus was not the hero that night. It was, most definitely, I. And, I'm sure you also know, dear reader, how the story all ended. The socialite saw the story of the failed animal-napping the next day and fell in love with me. So, she bought me and moved me to her expansive mansion near the beach. Oh... and... yes... that curmudgeonly creature they call Mittens was also adopted, but we all know who she loves best. Besides, I have a huge backyard to romp around in, and Mittens is kept in a separate aquarium room, so I thankfully never have to see him.
So, now that we have gotten the Zoo Theft story out of the way, we can begin on the rest of my most fabulous life...
I actually really like octopi.. but I thought it was funny.. having an elephant hate an octopus. Anyway, hope you liked it ^_^
Sorry for all the edits... but the story got all messed up when copying and pasting it from Word to here.. blech
Malatise, SO of Flirts and Damsels
Lady of Wench
Fabulous Puppetar by Tilinka! :D
[Edit 4 times, last edit by Malatise at Jan 26, 2009 2:05:27 PM]
Joined: Jun 3, 2005
According to MS Word this is 1000 words exactly*. Oh what I could have done with more.
Once upon a time in a sad little town lived a sad little man. The town was sad because it had no zoo, the man was sad because he was the zookeeper. One night after his family had gone to bed the little zookeeper was surfing the Internet. It was then that he saw that the happy little town down the road was getting a new elephant and octopus for its very large zoo. This made the sad little man a mad little man. 'Twas on this very night he hatched his plan to get his town a zoo and to fulfill his destiny.
He went to work quickly, the plan would need to be put into action tomorrow night while the new animals were in quarantine and could be taken more easily. The little zookeeper figured he could steal them from the happy little town and bring them to his sad town making it not so sad any more. He would turn his home into the zoo until a more suitable one could be built. The octopus would live in his children's bathtub. They never liked to bathe anyway, maybe this would encourage them. The elephant should be nice and comfortable in his backyard; his wife would just have to hose him down when she watered the flowers. He was sure she wouldn't mind.
During the day while his wife was at work and his children at school, the little zookeeper turned thief got ready. From his closet he assembled a black outfit, that's what all good robbers wore he figured. From his poor innocent wife he borrowed (okay stole, might as well start somewhere) some pantyhose to wear on his head to protect his identity. He knew he should probably wear a ski mask but they always made his face itch and well to be quite frank, and that was his name, he liked the way the hose made his face all squishy. From his children he took the pet mouse, a toy saddle, and a pop-cap gun. He also gathered some rope and a large trash bag.
That night as his unsuspecting children and his poor wife slept, the silly little zookeeper got ready for his big heist. First he put on his all black clothes and the stocking over his head. Next he tied a bit of the rope to the pet mouse's tail. This would be how he would steer the elephant down the road (the saddle he hoped would make the ride more comfortable, even if it was a tad small). He was a zookeeper so he knew that the elephant would move to the side away from the mouse. Finally he put the pop-cap gun in his waistband and threw the mouse with rope and the saddle into the large trash bag; he wouldn't be using these till later.
Throwing the bag over his shoulder the little thief crept out of his house and down the road to the happy little town and its very large zoo. He approached the zoo and was happy (an odd feeling for him it should be noted) to see that the guards were asleep. After all he only brought the pop-cap gun.
First he stopped at the elephant's enclosure and dropped off the saddle and the mouse (which he carefully tied down, out of sight of the elephant). The bag would hold the octopus so that came with him. Next he crept over to the octopus tank to avoid waking the guards (he really feared using that gun). He slowly climbed the ladder on the side of the tank. Once at the top he took the large trash bag and attempted to scoop up the octopus. As one might imagine this didn't work too well, with every scoop and swish of the bag the frightened little octopus swam or dove away. This caused the little thief to lean further and further into the tank until ... KERSPLOOSH ... he fell in. Being that he was already soaking wet the little man felt brave and decided he would pick up the octopus by hand, examine the goods if you will. He filled his bag with some water and slowly, carefully swam towards the octopus. He reached out, grabbed the animal by its head and lifted it out of the water. A HUGE mistake, especially for a zookeeper, as soon as the octopus was out of the water it sprayed ink everywhere which in this case was primarily in the zookeeper turned thief's face. Not only did this temporarily blind him but it also stained the stocking on his head, making it extremely difficult to see no matter what. With a frustrated thrust he threw the octopus into the bag, grunted as he swam to the edge of the tank and climbed out. As he made his way down the ladder, he ran into even more trouble. His shoes, slippery from his time in the tank, slid on the rungs and he fell backwards off the ladder and landed flat on his back.
Just as he started to stand, the little thief heard a loud noise from the elephant enclosure. Startled he ran over there, forgetting the bag. Upon reaching the elephant enclosure he found a very scared elephant. It seemed the mouse had chewed through its rope and was tormenting the poor elephant. The fact is the little zookeeper turned thief was not a very good zookeeper (he was last in his class but well you know what they say) and it was starting to look like he wasn't a very good thief either.
The noisy elephant was his ultimate downfall as is it woke the guards, who came upon the crying man and arrested him. The irony is that the happy town planned to give the elephant and octopus to the sad town but now they had no zookeeper. If only he had read the whole Internet article instead of just the title.
Edit to remove messed up characters and get it under 1000 words based on the word counter stated as the tool to be used for judging in the entry thread. *Now at 994 based on that counter
SO The Order of the Phoenix
Princess of Resurrection
Awesome avatar by Orch
[Edit 1 times, last edit by sexysmurf at Feb 3, 2009 6:26:36 PM]
Joined: Nov 15, 2007
This story is 1000 words long(excluding the title) . Unfortunately I had to cut a few scenes, but it turned out fine.
My pirates name is Rice
__________The Zoo Heist__________
Glenn Von Mitt the manager of Da Uber Hamburgers (D.U.H.) expects more than just labor from his employees. Every month he requires that they must create a DECENT recipe to possibly put on the menu. Mack Cheez had shown his "creation" to Mr. Mitt. He knew that the manager liked bizarre foods, so he created; "Mongoose Nuggits in Ink Sauce". He has failed to disclose where he got the meat from, however his "Ink Sauce" was made by breaking pens in half, and using that ink.
As you have probably realized, Mr. Cheez isn't the brightest soul. It isn't uncommon for him to show up to work with his pants on backwards, a finger up his nose, or a cup of coffee in his back pocket.
After Mr. Mitt had tried it, he rejected it (obviously). However, Glenn liked the idea, and asked that a new sauce be made from octopus ink.
Mack, although gracious towards the merciful manager, didn't know where he could find actual octopus ink. He figured he would need his own octopus. So he did what any octopus seeking dunce would do, he went fishing at the lake. Although he caught no octopus with his dried piece of waffle, he did catch an old tire, a bottle of syrup, and a very fat Elvis who politely offered him a fried peanut butter and banana sandwich.
After he thought about it for a long time(giving him a headache), he eventually decided that the best place to get an octopus was at a zoo. He attempted to buy one from the zoo manager, who told him they weren't for sale, Mack didn't have much money anyway. He never really thought stealing was a good idea, but he figured that the zoo wasn't really doing anything with an octopus anyway.
So late one night, when the zoo was silent (except a flatulent panda) Mack, snuck in. He walked by many of the exhibits, none of which featured cephalopods. The mongooses glared at him as he passed their area.
He eventually came to the alligator pond. It had a gate towards the back that led to the interior of several other sections. He thought it best to repel down the wall with a rope, but it snapped and he fell. Luckily he landed on a nice soft....ALLIGATOR!!! He ran from it as fast as he could (losing one of his boots in the process).
After he had escaped from the monster and went through the gate, he found himself in the aquarium! After a painful incident with a sea urchin, and a slimy one with a hagfish *shudder*, he finally found an octopus. The creature behaved itself, and made a comfortable spot in Mack's backpack.
Mack headed back with an octopus in his backpack, however he kinda forgot that his rope had snapped, and the wall was too high to climb. So after scrambling back to the aquarium, and losing his other boot, he began searching for another route. He spotted a locked door on the wall, which he promptly rammed down with a fire hydrant his Mommy gave him.
Upon entering, he found he was in the elephant pen. He tiptoed past the them, and ventured too close to one that was awake. It yawned and swung its trunk around, throwing Mack off balance, causing him to step on the elephants foot. The alarmed animal began jumping around, and blaring incoherent elephant gibberish. Mack, not wanting to draw attention to himself, grabbed the pachyderms trunk, muffling it's noise. He tried to calm it down, but as soon as he let go of it, it started to screech and stomp again. He was getting fed up with the huge noisemaker, so he simply stuffed it in his jacket. The elephant became silent. Mack felt bad for it ,but it was being quiet, and he thought that since he was stealing an octopus he might as well steal an elephant too.
So he exited the pen, and made his way to the entrance/exit of the zoo. As he neared the exit gate, two zookeepers stepped in his way, asking him why he was there after visiting hours. Mack explained that he had gotten lost, and had just found his way back. The guards thought it was a legitimate excuse, and told him to carry a map with him next time.
He grinned as he thought he was home free. But little did he know that a mischievous mongoose with a sweet tooth for revenge was at his feet. As the crazed imp sunk it's teeth into Mack's foot, he let out a yell of airhorn caliber. He held his foot, unbalancing him, causing him to fall over. As he hit the ground, the elephant fell out from his clothes, and it quickly ran back to its herd with a grunt of triumph. The zookeepers folded their arms and glared at him, while the mongoose ran off snickering.
Their gaze then moved to the ground underneath him where black ink leaked from his backpack. Mack quickly looked in the backpack, and the octopus slowly crept out of it. It looked upset, but too weak to do anything. He slowly stood up, and explained why he did what he did. The guards looked at each other, and sighed. Although they were disappointed in him, they merely left him off with a warning.
In exchange for the octopus and his word that he would never steal again, the zookeepers gave him a bottle of ink and one of his boots(the other wouldn't be returned till three days later with slight fecal damage). Mack thanked them and left with no intention of coming back.
The next day he was fired, and sued by Mr. Mitt for liver poisoning...Apparently the zookeepers didn't know the difference between octopus and pen ink either.
Other than the poisoned restaurant manager, a sued ex-employee, and a flattened octopus. Everyone lived happily after that.
I assure you my grasp of reality is stable...mostly.
Some of things that happened may be absurd, my cartoonlike humor is to blame.
Sorry if it doesn't make sense.
[Edit 4 times, last edit by Lithomaniac at Feb 4, 2009 6:10:23 PM]
Joined: Feb 24, 2008
The Zoo Heist by Weesiwel
Bob left the mini by the entrance of the safari park.He got his equipment from the back and walked to the gate.This was his first assignment for the shadow gang and he was determined to get it right.He brought out the explosives and tried blowing open the gate but the gate remained steady.For the next hour he tried every method imaginable,power tools,leverage and even knocking.When he got tired out he leaned against the gate.Just as he was going to call it a day he spotted the open button,annoyed with himself he pressed it and went inside.
After looking at a map Bob headed straight for the aquarium.After finding what he was looking for,the worlds strongest octopus,he started to set up the transportation tank and everything else he needed.When the tank was ready he grabbed the octopus and held it up to get a good look at it.The octopus didn't like being held and spun round in Bob's hands hitting him with all of it's tentacles.Bob was knocked to the floor as the octopus flew into another tank.Bob decided he would try restraining it and so brought out a set of handcuffs.As he tried to grab it a second time,he grabbed what he thought to be it's head.As he brought it out of he tank it was obvious this was not the octopus.Just then the thing puffed up impaling his hands with needles.He quickly let go and it fell into the tank hitting the octopus with it's spikes and causing it to spray ink at Bob's eyes.Temporarily blinded Bob felt around until he found two of the tentacles.He handcuffed them,quite chuffed with himself until he realised he couldn't cuff them all.He spent a few minutes fighting with the octopus,still blinded, trying to get it into the transortation tank.Apart from a few dots on his face he was no worse off as he took it back to the car.After putting it in the mini and washing his face he prepared for his gargantuan task,capturing the elephant.
At the elephant enclosure Bob disabled the electric fence and opened the gate.The gate swung shut behind him,reactivating the fence.Standing there in front of him was the last female elephant in the world.He began to frighten it so that it headed towards the gate.As it approached the gate Bob went to open it but was electrocuted and couldn't move.The elephant provoked by the light show charged.It went straight through the gate taking Bob with it.Bob was relieved to see they were heading towards the mini.The elephant continued charging and colided with the aquarium building.Bob heard glass smashing and an alarm blared.As it got closer to the car it showed no signs of slowing down.It scraped the car as it ran past,ripping off the roof.Bob got it to turn around somehow and this time it stopped just before it got to the car.Then he came across another problem.He began thinking of a way to transporting the elephant.
Then Bob had a brilliant idea.He tied the elephant to the car and then put the key in the ignition.The car made horrible noises as it tried to pull the weight of the elephant.The car broke down,unable to take anymore.Then Bob came up with a great plan,he would let the elephant drag the car.
Bob was in the car using the ropes to steer the elephant.They were about half an hour down the road when Bob glanced at the octopus.Putting his mental celebrations on hold he turned immediately and headed back towards the safari.He had realised that he had grabbed the wrong octopus as he had been blinded at the time.If he returned with the wrong animals his boss would kill him.Bob was starting to wish he had never volunteered for this assignment.
Back at the park Bob headed straight for the aquarium.The alarm was still going off as he waded through the room.Replacing the wrong octopus in it's tank he grabbed the right one and was about to walk out the door as a security guard came in.He ran up the stairs and hoped he would find an exit.He looked out the window,the sun was up now and he didn't have long.Fearing failure he jumped out of the window and landed in the roofless mini.He looked up and a friendly park keeper was smiling at him.The park keeper spoke to Bob and told him how someone had stolen an octopus and an elephant and how glad he was that Bob had returned them.Bob banged his head off the steering wheel and drove off.
(Don't know exact word count but it is in the required number,I am from UK so words may look out of context in some places)
He who laughs last, laughs loudest
Joined: Apr 19, 2005
The Terrible Tale of Mr. McNasty and his Zoo Escapade
I shall tell you a tale, and if I'm not amiss, you may like what you read; take a gander at this: You might laugh, you might cry, but if you've nothing to do, don't click-click away, since you're here, read it through!
It's a tale of a mostly unpleasant old man; ped'ling fortune and fame was the business he ran. His great skill was confounding with dense legalese so many young hopefuls, whose accounts he would squeeze. He owned nothing but paper, just contracts and forms, while assuring young artists that yes, that's the norm.
And who, you may ask, was this despicable man? Well, he was known as McNasty, "Brigand of Bands."
But this tale's of the day he would get just deserts. He would find it's no fun to get hit where it hurts.
His rock band was summoned, he had news for them all: record sales were quite low and their concerts were small. The band, oh yes they bit, and they bit really hard. And thought McNasty'd played his last card. Not this clever old goat! Many tricks up his sleeve. Then he began to describe the plan he'd conceived.
Some street cred was needed, that's abundantly clear. It was time for a heist, time to steal something dear. A publicity stunt, something cunning and slick. Nothing lame, nothing dull. Something nuts! That's the trick.
The band was unhappy, they thought practice was key. If they can't play worth a darn, how great could they be?
But McNasty assured them that they were just fools. You only need good looks and a shtick to be cool.
Their show lacked something loud, like a volcanic peak. For the encore they should swipe an eight legged freak. Thus the band would break into the city park zoo, where the ducks, they did quack, and the cows, they did moo.
Then he reached into his desk and brought out a map, and they had to admit: he's a clever old chap. There on the map he marked which way each one should go to get creatures so weird and bizarre for their show. Their success would depend on them starting that night. And then crafty McNasty did grin with delight.
So with guard schedules noted, all times double-checked, they could waste no more time putting plans in effect. All the gear they would need had been packed in their van, so they drove to the zoo and went over the plan. In the bushes they waited for darkness to fall, then they brought out the ropes and went over the wall.
They were silent inside, only gestures, no chat. So they signaled and pointed: two this way, two that.
Left went Chalco and Leushite, they both knew the drill, and approached the huge cages with ninja-like skill. And each one had a plan, and would try it in turn. If the first one did fail, then the second would learn.
So Leushite went first, and tried a right crafty trick. He crawled up through the drainpipes and slipped in so slick. But he wasn't aware of the elephant's skill: she cleaned her cage daily and rinsed all down the grille.
So what happened? Well for sure, his plan was a flop. He lifted the grate and got a face full of mop. He was choking and coughing and tried to break free, but was just washed away with the filth and debris.
Then Chalco, so sly, entered disguised as a vet, and he strolled right on through, fooling all that he met. But the guard, he just laughed, and he made a lame pun. Chalco was late -- for today's insemination! So brave Chalco went in with the tube filled with sperm, courageously confronting the great pachyderm.
I'll stop there. His plan wasn't too hot. Though Chalco survived, he often wished he had not.
Meanwhile the others were just a bit glum, sneaking quickly along to the aquarium. It all went quite smoothly while they stuck to the script. The alarms were disabled when the wires were clipped. They then found the main tank and peeked through its glass wall. There were millions of fish; many great, many small.
And right beneath a rock was the beast that they sought: a great squishy mollusk! Yes, that's perfect, they thought.
So Sinco went searching for a suitable net, while Loran went hunting for a SCUBA gear set.
But Sinco returned reeking and covered with goo. He fell in the chum tank; after that he was through. If he'd just rinse himself off, he'd surely be fine, but he refused to risk sharks just waiting to dine.
Loran sighed and just shrugged, then squirmed into his suit. He would argue, but the point was probably moot. Up the ladder he went, then hopped over the side. With his tank and his fins, through the pool he did glide.
He dove down to the rock and the octo did find. He grabbed it, but how to bring it up through the brine?
Loran considered this screwy predicament, then pulled open his wet suit, and in there it went. This plan seemed good, but it's a decision he'd mourn; he couldn't long endure real-life tentacle porn.
So as you can see, McNasty's escapade failed. The band mates were fined, but at least escaped jail.
Then they tore up their contract, and paid off their debt. No rock anymore, now they're a barbershop quartet. They knew that rock 'n roll just didn't make them tick, so now they all tour with "Weird" Al Yankovic.
So they're fine, but McNasty, what happened to him? Now just a laughingstock, to much his chagrin. In the end he was left with just one little bit: like Mick said, "What you want, you not always will get."
Trevorius - Mostly retired, now with more inn-tart!
Mostly lurking since 5/15/04
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